I suppose this isn't explicitly from the bible verses, but I find it interesting how whenever angels appear in the Bible, they start off with "Do not fear!" Now, in our precious moments bibles and children's bible stories angels are portrayed as lovely, gentle beings. However, they always start off convos with "Do not fear!" So yet, angels are truly fearsome beings and I don't feel that this is stressed enough in theology.
Psalm 139:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Even though I don't feel that I'm wonderfully made as my leg drags when I walk, my back fuses together from the surgery, and much more, I'm still wonderfully made. God still has plan for me - brokenness and incompleteness and all.
Author reflections:
God uses all things for this glory. Angels, me, everything. sweet! =)
25.10.11
they say the third time's a charm.
I swear writing this one blog will be the death of me! Aeirth (that's my laptop's name) has decided to eat it. Twice. That's not nice, Aeirth. It's 6 am and I need SLEEP! And the thing is, it's not even that long or complicated this time because I'm crabby and cranky and in pain so thinking isn't working well! Please, please, just post properly this time so I can crash for a couple hours before class, okay, Aeirth? Then I can take a nap after my 1 o'clock class and before my 4 o'clock. Please, Aerith. And please, Blogspot, I promise I will be very nice to you if you will just freaking behave! (Not to mention the other computer settings and other whazzits you messed up when you crashed, not just talking about this supposedly simple homework assignment!)
Ahem.
Quote the First:
"After the fall into sin, we love because God has come to re-create us and re-call us into that pattern." (Kolb, 35)
It's interesting, because this shows how love goes full circle. We were created to love and to be loved. We fell due to sin, yet we were still beings in need of love. And God loved us so much that God started the cycle over by submitting his son to die on the cross to be the atonement for our sins - so that once again, we are fully able to love and be loved as we were created to.
"We are righteous in this relationship because we fear, love, and trust in God above all things."
You know, this is interesting. Love and trust are two things that I struggle with greatly. I don't love easily and in fact struggle with the concept of love, full stop. I'd even venture as far as to say I fear love, but I know that's largely due to my past. As well as my trust issues. And so, the thought that in order to fully have the relationship work I have to have the two things that I struggle with so greatly, well, it has a bit of an impact. Earlier in the paragraph it stated how God is the "protecting Father". Suffice it to say I cannot remotely grasp the concept of God has a father, nevertheless a protecting one. And so - the thought that I have to overcome all this (and not just I, any Christan) in order to have a full relationship, well, it's scary.
Author comments:
Blog readers; if this entry doesn't make sense blame the lack of sleep. Feel free to text me saying "Hey, you sillyface, SLEEP!" I feel that I didn't make enough sense (my first entry was great!) and that it's just discombobulated, incongruous thoughts. But at least I'm pondering things, and at least God is helping my stubborn, stony heart melt into a heart of flesh and be made whole agian, right?
Ahem.
Quote the First:
"After the fall into sin, we love because God has come to re-create us and re-call us into that pattern." (Kolb, 35)
It's interesting, because this shows how love goes full circle. We were created to love and to be loved. We fell due to sin, yet we were still beings in need of love. And God loved us so much that God started the cycle over by submitting his son to die on the cross to be the atonement for our sins - so that once again, we are fully able to love and be loved as we were created to.
"We are righteous in this relationship because we fear, love, and trust in God above all things."
You know, this is interesting. Love and trust are two things that I struggle with greatly. I don't love easily and in fact struggle with the concept of love, full stop. I'd even venture as far as to say I fear love, but I know that's largely due to my past. As well as my trust issues. And so, the thought that in order to fully have the relationship work I have to have the two things that I struggle with so greatly, well, it has a bit of an impact. Earlier in the paragraph it stated how God is the "protecting Father". Suffice it to say I cannot remotely grasp the concept of God has a father, nevertheless a protecting one. And so - the thought that I have to overcome all this (and not just I, any Christan) in order to have a full relationship, well, it's scary.
Author comments:
Blog readers; if this entry doesn't make sense blame the lack of sleep. Feel free to text me saying "Hey, you sillyface, SLEEP!" I feel that I didn't make enough sense (my first entry was great!) and that it's just discombobulated, incongruous thoughts. But at least I'm pondering things, and at least God is helping my stubborn, stony heart melt into a heart of flesh and be made whole agian, right?
21.10.11
Independence Day
10 days until the most difficult anniversary of my life.
10 days until the day my life completely fell apart.
10 days until the day that I realized I was no longer a child, and had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life.
10 days until it marks 6 years since I left him.
It's haunting, really. To think that I suffered 18 years at his hand, and even more through emails later on. It's haunting to think that at 18, I had to make such a painful choice, to tear away from my own father. Part of me screams it was 6 years ago, you should be OVER it by now! It's been SIX YEARS. SIX YEARS. But I'm not.
I miss him. God, I miss him. I don't miss the abuse (well, not really, but that's complicated) but I miss having a father. I miss having a Daddy. Sure, he was a buttwaffle, but he was still my Daddy, and yes, I still love him. I'll never understand how I can hate someone so deeply, yet love him so passionately. It's such a mindfuck and the emotions are so twisted, so complicated.
I'm scared. I'm completely scared. I still live in fear of him, even though it's been six years. He got off scott free, so I shouldn't still be so terrified. But I am. And lord, I miss having a father. It's been six years, six long, painful years. And I don't know what to do with it. It's hard to believe, but in some ways it still feels like it was just yesterday I made such a painful, difficult decision.
This is something I wrote just a few weeks after my entire world crumbled at my feet:
SOMETIMES - written November 17, 2005
We can't control what's going on around us. The world literally crumbles in pieces at our feet. Try as we might, we can't make sense of the shreads. We try, we hope, we beg, we plead, and yet, we're just left with brokenness. We're just left with shattered fragments. Hope seems just out of reach. You reach for it, you long to just hold it, and draw it close. And yet, you're just broke. You've reached brokeness. You long for comfort, you look for comfort. You long to be free, you just long to break free of the past. Everything you once held on to, seems to literally shatter at your feet. You just want something to cling to. Some stable ground. Some "strong tower". And yet, you can't find it. You're stuck. Grasping at straws. Reaching for starbeams, and yet falling short. And just longing for happiness. For hope. And yet, you come up blank. You're dark, you're bleak, you're hopeless. You know there's hope somewhere, you know there's light somewhere. It's just so hard to grasp it, and to keep a hold of it. You wonder what it's worth living for. You're tired of being sick, tired, worn out, scared, stressed, weary, and just beat all the time. You just want an answer. Something better. And you just want a happy ending. You just want a better life, a better time. And it's hard. It's so cold, it's so broken...so worn out."
Six years later, it still rings true. Six years later, I'm still looking for all those things.
Suffice is to say my depression is raging now. Suffice it to say things aren't going well. They never go well this time of year, but right now it seems to be particularly difficult. Doesn't help that I don't want to let people in. I've worked for years to throw up these walls, I've worked for years to hide inside myself. And even though I could take them down, brick by brick, step by step, minute by minute, it's terrifying.
Even though it's a bad place where I am currently, even though it's not a good thing, it's what I know and what's safe. It's scary reaching out beyond what I know.
And so, when Halloween rolls around, while other people are trick or treating, celebrate beasts and ghouls, I'll be mourning what I lost six years ago. And at the same time, stepping forward for another year of Independence.
I hate it.
10 days until the day my life completely fell apart.
10 days until the day that I realized I was no longer a child, and had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life.
10 days until it marks 6 years since I left him.
It's haunting, really. To think that I suffered 18 years at his hand, and even more through emails later on. It's haunting to think that at 18, I had to make such a painful choice, to tear away from my own father. Part of me screams it was 6 years ago, you should be OVER it by now! It's been SIX YEARS. SIX YEARS. But I'm not.
I miss him. God, I miss him. I don't miss the abuse (well, not really, but that's complicated) but I miss having a father. I miss having a Daddy. Sure, he was a buttwaffle, but he was still my Daddy, and yes, I still love him. I'll never understand how I can hate someone so deeply, yet love him so passionately. It's such a mindfuck and the emotions are so twisted, so complicated.
I'm scared. I'm completely scared. I still live in fear of him, even though it's been six years. He got off scott free, so I shouldn't still be so terrified. But I am. And lord, I miss having a father. It's been six years, six long, painful years. And I don't know what to do with it. It's hard to believe, but in some ways it still feels like it was just yesterday I made such a painful, difficult decision.
This is something I wrote just a few weeks after my entire world crumbled at my feet:
SOMETIMES - written November 17, 2005
We can't control what's going on around us. The world literally crumbles in pieces at our feet. Try as we might, we can't make sense of the shreads. We try, we hope, we beg, we plead, and yet, we're just left with brokenness. We're just left with shattered fragments. Hope seems just out of reach. You reach for it, you long to just hold it, and draw it close. And yet, you're just broke. You've reached brokeness. You long for comfort, you look for comfort. You long to be free, you just long to break free of the past. Everything you once held on to, seems to literally shatter at your feet. You just want something to cling to. Some stable ground. Some "strong tower". And yet, you can't find it. You're stuck. Grasping at straws. Reaching for starbeams, and yet falling short. And just longing for happiness. For hope. And yet, you come up blank. You're dark, you're bleak, you're hopeless. You know there's hope somewhere, you know there's light somewhere. It's just so hard to grasp it, and to keep a hold of it. You wonder what it's worth living for. You're tired of being sick, tired, worn out, scared, stressed, weary, and just beat all the time. You just want an answer. Something better. And you just want a happy ending. You just want a better life, a better time. And it's hard. It's so cold, it's so broken...so worn out."
Six years later, it still rings true. Six years later, I'm still looking for all those things.
Suffice is to say my depression is raging now. Suffice it to say things aren't going well. They never go well this time of year, but right now it seems to be particularly difficult. Doesn't help that I don't want to let people in. I've worked for years to throw up these walls, I've worked for years to hide inside myself. And even though I could take them down, brick by brick, step by step, minute by minute, it's terrifying.
Even though it's a bad place where I am currently, even though it's not a good thing, it's what I know and what's safe. It's scary reaching out beyond what I know.
And so, when Halloween rolls around, while other people are trick or treating, celebrate beasts and ghouls, I'll be mourning what I lost six years ago. And at the same time, stepping forward for another year of Independence.
I hate it.
19.10.11
Just take eveything down to highway 61
I hate how my theology class is taking over my blog! So, I'm taking a break from that to do some REAL blog writing. After all, we know I love to write. And babble. And ramble. But that's okay, because that's me, and who I am, right?
My friend and I went up north for the weekend. And I realize how much I fully LOVE nature! I love it I love it I love it. I mean, it's hard for me because it's hard to get around, but gosh, I love it. I loved walking around the outside of split rock light house. I loved walking around and seeing Lake Superior. I LOVE BEING OUTSIDE. I love nature. Even though I hate the cold, I love the feeling of the wind whipping my hair around. Being outside just makes me so HAPPY!
Granted, it's difficult with crutches. Walking is painful, and my weak leg makes things difficult, as well as my off kilter sense of balance. But it doesn't make me not enjoy nature any less, it just means I have to enjoy it differently. I can still climb trees with just my arms (I love climbing things!), and I can limp around and enjoy it.
But gosh, nature gives me such a sense of happiness. It doesn't judge me for being depressed, it doesn't judge me for not being as physically nimble as other people. It lets me take my own pace (until it gets too bitterly cold for that, but you know what I mean). It makes me HAPPY!
but I can't have that happiness often, but for those few glimpses I get to grasp of nature,
for those for moments outside,
it's peace. it's happiness.
it's where I'm meant to be.
I'm able to be outside and see lighthouses (I've always loved lighthouses) and think of how the same way the light saves the ship, there's a light shining head for me, that I'm reaching for, yearning for, leaping toward, that's just waiting for me.
And in that same way... maybe hope, love, grace, joy, peace, all these things I yearn for and dream of are waiting for me.
Waiting to accept me.
Waiting for me to just walk out into them.
18.10.11
and wonder how He could love me, a sinner condemned unclean
"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree"—" (Gal 3:13)
I know I, at least, don't fully realize the impact of what Christ did. I mean yes, I was taught as a kid that Chris died for my sins. But the church I grew up in (an Arminian church) did not really lay this out. When we are taught the Apostle's creed, the line "he descended into hell" is omitted, and so I don't know that the full ramifications of Christ's sacrifice are felt. I mean, the Crucifixion is clearly taught, as even stated in a very popular hymn in the Nazarene church: "He took my sins and my sorrows, and He made them His very own. He bore my burden to Calvary, where he suffered and died all alone." And so, even though so much is taught, I don't think we fully realize that he became a CURSE - and that by that, he took the curse AWAY from us. HE became the curse, and by rising up from the dead and coming over the dead, he takes that curse AWAY.
and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus who delivers us from the wrath to come. (1 Thess, 1:10)
I am irrationally afraid of angry people. If someone even raises their voice in frustration, not even anger, I start trembling. If I even think I've made someone remotely angry, I start apologizing profusely. So... the thought that Jesus delivers us from wrath is comforting, because it is something that shakes me to the core so very much.
Author comments:
I love being able to tie things to hymns, and relate the way I was brought up to the what I'm learning now. It's fun!
I know I, at least, don't fully realize the impact of what Christ did. I mean yes, I was taught as a kid that Chris died for my sins. But the church I grew up in (an Arminian church) did not really lay this out. When we are taught the Apostle's creed, the line "he descended into hell" is omitted, and so I don't know that the full ramifications of Christ's sacrifice are felt. I mean, the Crucifixion is clearly taught, as even stated in a very popular hymn in the Nazarene church: "He took my sins and my sorrows, and He made them His very own. He bore my burden to Calvary, where he suffered and died all alone." And so, even though so much is taught, I don't think we fully realize that he became a CURSE - and that by that, he took the curse AWAY from us. HE became the curse, and by rising up from the dead and coming over the dead, he takes that curse AWAY.
and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus who delivers us from the wrath to come. (1 Thess, 1:10)
I am irrationally afraid of angry people. If someone even raises their voice in frustration, not even anger, I start trembling. If I even think I've made someone remotely angry, I start apologizing profusely. So... the thought that Jesus delivers us from wrath is comforting, because it is something that shakes me to the core so very much.
Author comments:
I love being able to tie things to hymns, and relate the way I was brought up to the what I'm learning now. It's fun!
here is our king
"Jesus came as a substitute or vicar for us; he cames a victim of the accusing law of God and all the assualts of evil in every form." - Kolb, 139
But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom. Jesus took the sin, the blame, the guilyt, he took it all for us. He took everything for us to pay the price that we don't have to pay! Praise God, from whom all blessings flow! Praise him, who became the victim to take the punishment he didn't deserve, so that we don't have to have the one we do deserve.
Author reflection:
He takes the evil for us, he is our king. He is our lover, the one who persues our souls. It is so cool how one great God can do so much.
But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom. Jesus took the sin, the blame, the guilyt, he took it all for us. He took everything for us to pay the price that we don't have to pay! Praise God, from whom all blessings flow! Praise him, who became the victim to take the punishment he didn't deserve, so that we don't have to have the one we do deserve.
Author reflection:
He takes the evil for us, he is our king. He is our lover, the one who persues our souls. It is so cool how one great God can do so much.
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