Barefoot Days of Summer

I love being barefoot outside. I run around barefoot whenever possible. Barefoot on the grass, on the rocks, on the carpet, on the pavement, on the street. I love the feel of grass between my toes, and my balance is much better barefoot than in shoes.

I'll miss these days when winter starts! =(

Meet the Blogger

I suppose now would be a good time to write out some more info about me.

I go by the nickname Nora, but my legal name is Angelique. I live in Minnesota, but I was born and raised in Ohio. I'm 24 years old and a junior in college double majoring in psychology and ministry, with a minor in communications.

All that to say, my life is pretty busy during the school year. I'm doing some work with the TV studio this year which will be interesting, because most of my training and knowledge lies in radio. I ran my own radio show, The Coast to Toast show, at my previous college. I really enjoyed it, but had to give it up because of health issues. I miss radio like mad, though. I am, however, truck trained and certified with CTV North Suburbs (community access TV in St Paul) but most of what I know is with graphics and sound. I want to learn more about video type work because I am a dismal artist and so I would love for video to become my art form.

I love to sing. I'm a 2nd soprano/1st alto swing, depending on the piece. I'm not doing choir this semester because my life is crazy with school and doctor's appointments. I suffer from a genetic disorder known as NF1 (click the NF1 tag below to read more about it), along with a myriad of other issues. I had major back surgery this summer, and I'm still recovering from it. They say full recovery will take a year if no issues arise.

Musicals are awesome. I love RENT, Hairspray, Annie... if I were to list them all you'd be here way too long *laugh*. Movies are fun, too. I love those 80s movies and early 90s flicks that are so bad they're good. I love watching movies, and falling for the characters... that escape into another realm. I also love to read. I'm currently reading the Chronicles of Narnia for the first time ever, and it's pretty incredible. My favourite is The Giver, with a close second to Tuck Everlasting. I love the Harry Potter series, as well as A Series of Unfortunate Events (I really wish the movie had been better, though for the latter).

I love anime. Love love love. My all time favourite is Fruits Basket. I'm currently working my way through Fullmetal Alchemist, Full Metal Panic, and Ouron High School Host Club. Yes, all at the same time. After this, Negima, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and Full Metal Panic: The Second Raid are on my list. My favourite off air TV shows include Scrubs, Newsradio, Fraiser, WKRP in Cincinnati, Three's Company, and Family Ties. For current shows, it's mainly How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. I love video games. I rock the N64 and hope to acquire a Nintendo DS and a Playstation 2. I'm an RPG fan girl, but I also love beating the crap out of things.

My favourite colour is orange. I also love yellow. Colours are important. Song lyrics sum up my life. I quote them, use them as Tweets (what a weird word), use them in Facebook status, etc.

At one point, I would have said my faith is my life. Now, I'm at a point where I'm recreating my beliefs. I believe there is a God, but I am not sure what He is. I believe there is a greater force out there driving us, but I'm not sure how it lives in our lives. I don't know what I am. I'm not agnostic, I'm not an atheist. I hesitate to use the label "Christain" because it holds such a strong many people.

I'll close my about me with a few song lyrics, as they say what I cannot. I told you I like song lyrics!

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
everything, everything will be just fine
everything, everything will be alright, alright (Jimmy Eat World - The Middle)

"Sometimes I hear my voice and it's be here...
silent all these years." (Tori Amos - Silent All These Years)

Things will get better, this I promise you
you won't feel this way forever
Things will get better, this I promise you (and I know)
Loneliness won't last forever (Spoken - Promise)

There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today (Various parts of RENT by Jonathon Larson)

all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

I'm starting to design a tattoo for my 25th birthday. I want a phoenix and a blackbird, with "you were only waiting for this moment to arise" as text twisting around it. For both birds symbolize a lot to me.

The phoenix - symbolizes how Harry Potter helped me through some dark days of my depression, and there's also the legend of the phoenix. How beauty rises from ashes. How the beauty turns to ashes, but then rebirths into beauty again, arising into beauty.

The blackbird - symbolizes how the Beatles song also helped me through depression, and like the blackbird, I am waiting for my moment to arise. And arise, I will.

I'm arising at my new college.
I'm arising into my dreams.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

-c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley

Now, I'm not a parent of a child with a disability. I am a child with a disability. I will never walk without pain. I will never walk without a limp that is now corrected with crutches. I will never live a day in my life without pain. It's not the life I saw for myself as a child.

As a child, I dreamed BIG, as all little girls do. I wanted to grow up to be a tractor driving librarian (shut up! it wold be AWESOME! I'd drive a tractor to bring library books to kids stuck on farms!). I'd chase my dreams overseas. I'd sing and laugh and I would have a wonderful life. I had my health problems as a child, but no one knew they'd grow into what they are now. No one knew what I'd be facing now.

But yet, at the same time it offers things that I wouldn't have otherwise. It offers chances I wouldn't have otherwise. If I didn't have these disabilities, I don't think I'd live life the way I do. I know my outlook wouldn't be the same.

There may be nights, like tonight, where I succumb to tears, hot, bitter tears rolling down my cheeks as I lean against the shower. As the grief of losing so much - parents, health, friendships, lives... hits me full force. As I shake and weep, tremble and cry. Alone - with no one to hold me as I cry and no one to tell me it will be okay. I have my breakdowns too.

And I can't say that everything will be okay. I can't say that I wish I was in Italy instead of Holland some days. I can't say that my heart, my spirit, my very flesh doesn't ache, because that would be a lie. But yet... Holland is where I am. And it's where I'm meant to be, for reasons I will never understand or I'm not even sure I want to understand.

And so, I live with what I'm dealt, grateful for it in some strange way.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I'm told we all have dry seasons. I'm told we all have times where we are empty and alone. But this one has lasted for over two years. In high school, I was known for being the girl who was steadfast in her faith. I was known for the girl who stayed faithful.

But now I'm in a two year long drought. And I wonder when I'll be out, when I'll find faith again.