"This is the church, this is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people!"
I was taught that rhyme as a child, and we'd often do it in Sunday School. It's a simple little hand game, but it's kinda cool because no matter where you go, where you are, you can make a church with your hands. And in the same way, no matter where you go, where you are - you can be the church.
“What is the Church?” All those in whom the Holy Ghost
through the means of grace has worked faith in Christ constitute
an association or gathering, which we call the Church,” Koehler,
Summary of Christian Doctrine, 210.
I think we often think of church as the building we go to sunday mornings. It's true, this is one part of church. But yet it's like the verse in Scriptures: Where two or three are gathered in my name, then there I am. I think in some ways, especially when we've been wounded by the church, we hold a grunge against them and don't want to be involved. However, the church is those who gather in His name. While there's nothing wrong with the physical church, it's certainly not the only time.
This work is in process,
partial, growing, as Jesus works his salvation out in our lives, defeating
sin, death, and Satan in their death throes.
This really stuck out to me. It's kinda like a caterpillar - it's complete, yes, but it still has to become a butterfly. It has to go through the process of metamorphosis. As humans, we are constantly going through metamorphism. It doesn't change when we become the butterfly, though, for we are always changing and growing and learning.
Author Reflection
It helps me to realize that the church isn't just a church and a group of fallen people, but a community of believers. It helps me to realize that I'm a work in progress. And you string those two together - the church is a work in progress, always growing, always changing. Really neat thought.
27.9.11
26.9.11
And my wounds will be made whole
"Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Cor 6:11 (NLT)
Cleansed, holy, made right. I think it's something we all long for, in some way or another. Even, I think, the most non religious, non spiritual person out there longs to be made right in some way, shape, or form. Perhaps not in the way that a Christian longs, but I think it's a longing within all of us. We long for things to be "right". I know, for me, I long for things to be right: I long to have a family instead of fending for myself and building my own out of friends. I long to not have to poor over ever food label making sure there's not something in it that my body will read as poison and make me incredibly ill. Of course, this isn't quite the "making right" that is being referred to here, but it helps me to put things in real word terms, so maybe it will help others. However, God will make us right in other ways. Maybe not now, and it's a continuing process, but as we call upon His precious name, he cleanses us (Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crismon stain, He washed it white as snow) and makes us new. He makes us right in His eyes, our faults and all.
And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. John 10:16 (ESV)
You know, the whole one church concept has always been hard for me to grasp. I've been around in churches. I was raised Nazarene. When my parents split, I went to a Methodist church, then an independent Baptist church, then back to Methodist with my mother, and another Nazarene church with my father. By high school, my mom was back in the Methodist church and my Father was at a Church of Christ. After my faith was completely shattered in the church due to a tragic, unfortunate experience, I pulled away from the church. I've been around the block since then with different church experiences and different sets of doctrine, and so the fact that they all intermingle together into one church in God's eyes is hard to grasp. I don't think it's bad, per se, that it's hard to grasp, but I do think what we go though in life impacts how we grasp and read the Bible. I do think it's cool, though, that despite all my struggles in the church, it's all one body, one flesh, one blood of Believers.
And so we know God's word applies to our life today, and God has a lot to say in His book...
(Author Comments)
Um, excuse my brief Veggietales moment. God loves His church, and views it is one. It's one of those things I know, logically, and have been taught for years. But applying it and realizing that "Hey, we ARE one body of believers, despite our differences" is another kettle of fish. And it's also cool to reiterate how God cleanses each of us!
Cleansed, holy, made right. I think it's something we all long for, in some way or another. Even, I think, the most non religious, non spiritual person out there longs to be made right in some way, shape, or form. Perhaps not in the way that a Christian longs, but I think it's a longing within all of us. We long for things to be "right". I know, for me, I long for things to be right: I long to have a family instead of fending for myself and building my own out of friends. I long to not have to poor over ever food label making sure there's not something in it that my body will read as poison and make me incredibly ill. Of course, this isn't quite the "making right" that is being referred to here, but it helps me to put things in real word terms, so maybe it will help others. However, God will make us right in other ways. Maybe not now, and it's a continuing process, but as we call upon His precious name, he cleanses us (Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crismon stain, He washed it white as snow) and makes us new. He makes us right in His eyes, our faults and all.
And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. John 10:16 (ESV)
You know, the whole one church concept has always been hard for me to grasp. I've been around in churches. I was raised Nazarene. When my parents split, I went to a Methodist church, then an independent Baptist church, then back to Methodist with my mother, and another Nazarene church with my father. By high school, my mom was back in the Methodist church and my Father was at a Church of Christ. After my faith was completely shattered in the church due to a tragic, unfortunate experience, I pulled away from the church. I've been around the block since then with different church experiences and different sets of doctrine, and so the fact that they all intermingle together into one church in God's eyes is hard to grasp. I don't think it's bad, per se, that it's hard to grasp, but I do think what we go though in life impacts how we grasp and read the Bible. I do think it's cool, though, that despite all my struggles in the church, it's all one body, one flesh, one blood of Believers.
And so we know God's word applies to our life today, and God has a lot to say in His book...
(Author Comments)
Um, excuse my brief Veggietales moment. God loves His church, and views it is one. It's one of those things I know, logically, and have been taught for years. But applying it and realizing that "Hey, we ARE one body of believers, despite our differences" is another kettle of fish. And it's also cool to reiterate how God cleanses each of us!
25.9.11
I just want you to know who I am
I remember the first time I cried out for help from my depression. I remember the first time I held out my hand. It was 2001 and I was 14 years old. I had braces complete with rubber bands that snapped across the room when I spoke and no sense of style. Exhibit A: school picture from that year. Again, I was so young and naive to many things. I read my poetry from back then, and some of it breaks my heart even now for a much younger me. 14 is far too young to plan out a suicide. 14 is far too young to hold a razor blade in your hand, and makes imprints on tender white skin. I still have those scars. I still see them daily. I still weep for my younger self. But the first time I reached out for help, besides posting on internet message boards that I was broken, hurting, and scared, before emailing my youth pastor and telling him what an inner hell I lived in... was to write a poem, and give it to my Sunday school teacher. This is that poem:
The pain that grips my youthful heart
Rips me up, tears me apart
The tears that brim in my young eyes
Might come to you as a surprise
I cannot handle the pain
Not the tears that fall like rain
The dull, study ache that's settled deep down
The heavy burden that I carry around
But I hide the pain-I hide the tears
I hide the saddness, I hide my fears
Nobody understands, and I feel like nobody cares
And all I can do is say some simple prayers
I just don't know, I gotta get it out
I cannot take this burdern about
No one to turn to, all I can do is cry
No one who'd care if I should die
I'm about ready to use it, I don't know what to do
I guess all I can do is turn to you
I left the spelling errors intact. It didn't seem right to correct them. A month after giving this to my sunday school teacher, I had the police at my school to talk me out of suicide. My parents were blindsided. They had no idea I was so hurting, so broken. I hid it well. I learned that lesson at 14 years old: how to completely hide my pain. How to retreat within myself, how to throw up walls so high that no one could enter, not even myself. I learned how to perfect my facade, how to live within myself. To smile and laugh, and act like I was fine. But the truth is I wasn't. The truth is I was broken. I recently found this snippet of a poem from back then, and my heart broke. I wept.
Just wanna die, just wanna die
Tired of just wonderin' why
Wanna die, wanna be in my grave
Too scared and afraid to wave
Wanna be strong wanna be brave
I was 14. I hadn't lived yet. I had no idea what I would face later in my life, that I would make such painful decisions at age 18 and again at age 21. I didn't know that I would continue to spiral deeper into depression, bounce from counselor to counselor, and have labels such as PTSD and EDNOS slapped on me. That just one cut would turn into a lifelong addiction, and every day is a daily battle to not lapse back into it. I had no idea.
It's scary. I just want to go back and hold my younger self, to tell her at age 24 she'd finally be pulling herself out of all this crap. That she'd finally start approaching the other side, that there's hoping waiting for her. I was fourteen. I shouldn't have felt like this... and yet I did.
ready to smile, and love life
Here she stands today, in her brilliant shining way
Stronger than her pain, in her brilliant shining way
><> ><> <>< ><>
I know what it's like to have crippling depression.
I know what it's like to be consumed with hopeless.
I know what it's like to be drenched in pain, both physical and emotional.
And for the first time, I'm starting to see the other side.
I'm starting to reach out of the abyss.
I'm starting to spread my wings and leap -
leap into hope, leap into the future,
leap into a new life.
I'm a dreamer, a starry-eyed girl, passionate
I love and I live and I laugh and I learn
And I'm more than my disabilites.
I'm more than a list of medications,
a ball of symtoms,
and rattled off disorders.
I am more than an abused child,
rather, I am survivor.
I am more than a victim,
I am an overcomer.
I am more than a child with questions -
Questions about faith and life and love
and God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit
and creation and forgiveness and
sin and the past and the present and
the future
but rather, I am a seeker
Trying to place the pieces of the puzzle together,
trying to finish the row of Tetris.
I am learning to live...
and it's a beautiful ride.
24.9.11
this robe of flesh, i'll drop and rise to seize the everlasting prize
"He forgives daily and richly all sins to me and all believers, and at the last day will raise up me and all the dead, and will give to me and to all believers in Christ everlasting life." (SC)
He forgives daily. All sins. To me, this is baffling (not in a "I don't quite understand it" way, but more in a "say what?!" way). I struggle to forgive. I don't hold grunges easily and for the most part, but there are some things that happened to me when I was little that I still haven't forgiven people for. And to myself, I am the hardest critic. I remember one time, crying to a friend, about how God could not possibly forgive me for what I'd done. All I remember is this friend saying "Angelique, who are you to deem what God can and cannot forgive?" And I think that is how I started wrestling with the concept of forgiveness. Quoting myself feels weird, but I look at a poem I wrote in 2010 which has this line: (he has scars just like ours) [maybe some day I'll post that poem on this blog because it really shows a great deal of my faith struggles]. But he has scars, too. And those scars are the reason he can forgive, whereas mine are the reason I need forgiveness.
God forgives daily. He forgives not only me, but all believers. The believers that, in the past, have hurt me and I struggled to forgive. And in turn, He forgives me for not forgiving. And finally, on the last day he will raise up from the dead and will give to all in Christ, everlasting life. What struck me was the realization: we won't need forgiving anymore on that day. He is forgiving us daily until then, molding us until we are in the state where we will no longer need it.
No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
"But of Christ we could know nothing either, unless it had been revealed by the Holy Ghost. " (LC, number 65).
We know nothing, unless it's revealed. Allow me to repeat that: we know nothing unless it's revealed. We may think we're great theologians, we may think we're great Biblical scholars. But the thing is? We really, in reality, know nothing unless it's revealed. I struggle with this because I'm the kind of person who has to KNOW things before I do anything. But the thing is, the Christian faith isn't like that. You can't really know before you take the plunge, you just have to take the dive in and trust that God will be the life jacket to keep you afloat. You just have to go with what you do already know, and have faith and confidence in Christ that He will, in His divine timing, continue to reveal things to you to enrich your faith and deepen your trust in Him and Him alone.
Author comments:
Forgiveness is a strange concept. To think that what we have done can be washed away by the Almighty. That he can forgive, and continues to forgive. And that he, in his wisdom, chooses to forgive AND reveal to us.
Pretty cool!
He forgives daily. All sins. To me, this is baffling (not in a "I don't quite understand it" way, but more in a "say what?!" way). I struggle to forgive. I don't hold grunges easily and for the most part, but there are some things that happened to me when I was little that I still haven't forgiven people for. And to myself, I am the hardest critic. I remember one time, crying to a friend, about how God could not possibly forgive me for what I'd done. All I remember is this friend saying "Angelique, who are you to deem what God can and cannot forgive?" And I think that is how I started wrestling with the concept of forgiveness. Quoting myself feels weird, but I look at a poem I wrote in 2010 which has this line: (he has scars just like ours) [maybe some day I'll post that poem on this blog because it really shows a great deal of my faith struggles]. But he has scars, too. And those scars are the reason he can forgive, whereas mine are the reason I need forgiveness.
God forgives daily. He forgives not only me, but all believers. The believers that, in the past, have hurt me and I struggled to forgive. And in turn, He forgives me for not forgiving. And finally, on the last day he will raise up from the dead and will give to all in Christ, everlasting life. What struck me was the realization: we won't need forgiving anymore on that day. He is forgiving us daily until then, molding us until we are in the state where we will no longer need it.
No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
"But of Christ we could know nothing either, unless it had been revealed by the Holy Ghost. " (LC, number 65).
We know nothing, unless it's revealed. Allow me to repeat that: we know nothing unless it's revealed. We may think we're great theologians, we may think we're great Biblical scholars. But the thing is? We really, in reality, know nothing unless it's revealed. I struggle with this because I'm the kind of person who has to KNOW things before I do anything. But the thing is, the Christian faith isn't like that. You can't really know before you take the plunge, you just have to take the dive in and trust that God will be the life jacket to keep you afloat. You just have to go with what you do already know, and have faith and confidence in Christ that He will, in His divine timing, continue to reveal things to you to enrich your faith and deepen your trust in Him and Him alone.
Author comments:
Forgiveness is a strange concept. To think that what we have done can be washed away by the Almighty. That he can forgive, and continues to forgive. And that he, in his wisdom, chooses to forgive AND reveal to us.
Pretty cool!
22.9.11
now it's time to say good night...
'Kay, so it's 3:24 am. My alarm goes off at 5:45 am. Logic says I should be asleep. But I'm not. I'm sick - I'm coughing up a lung. I'm in pain - good thing the alarm goes off so I can go to the pain clinic.
But the main reason I avoid sleep lately? It's so I avoid the nightmares. The crippling tiredness is the less painful thing to deal with. If I'm awake, at least I can distract myself from such painful thoughts.
If I'm asleep, there's no solace. No comfort. No serenity.
And it sucks.
This was not very deep. I want to write more - oh, how I long to write. How I long to process my thoughts, get others thoughts on my thoughts (I'm not vain and think my thoughts are profound and amazing, but I like to get thoughts on my thoughts) and all that. But right now I'm on cruise control - just surfing through life the best I can. And it kinda sucks, it really does. Because there's so much going on that needs to come out... but I don't know how to PULL it out!
But the main reason I avoid sleep lately? It's so I avoid the nightmares. The crippling tiredness is the less painful thing to deal with. If I'm awake, at least I can distract myself from such painful thoughts.
If I'm asleep, there's no solace. No comfort. No serenity.
And it sucks.
This was not very deep. I want to write more - oh, how I long to write. How I long to process my thoughts, get others thoughts on my thoughts (I'm not vain and think my thoughts are profound and amazing, but I like to get thoughts on my thoughts) and all that. But right now I'm on cruise control - just surfing through life the best I can. And it kinda sucks, it really does. Because there's so much going on that needs to come out... but I don't know how to PULL it out!
20.9.11
my sin, not in part, but the whole... is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more praise the lord O my soul
"Sin is not a matter of morality. Morality may be the worst form of sin.
Said differently, to understand sin as a matter of morality is to misunderstand sin."
I'm not quite sure I agree with this. Why is mortality the worst form of sin? How is that any worse than child abuse, murder, etc? What is so bad about morality? We are all mere mortals, we are all created mortal. And really, how can you say that "morality is the worst form of sin" when we are taught that all sins are equal? Really, in God's eyes, aren't we taught that a sin is a sin, and no sin is "worse" than another? True, the earthly consequences may be "worse", but according to the Christian doctrine I've been taught (granted, not LCMS, but Nazarene and Church of Christ) that a sin is a sin. I'm not even sure if I fully jive with the traditional Christian concept of sin. And what if people do understand sin as a matter of morality? We are all mortals, so what is so wrong with viewing it that way? What if people do "misunderstand" sin? Does that make them worse sinners than someone else? Does that make them a bad person? I don't think not fully understanding something is bad. Or is it meant more that "morality is the worst form of sin" that doing mortal acts is sinful? Maybe I don't understand. Maybe I'm wrestling with this in the wrong way. Maybe I'm way missing the mark. I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing what I should with this assignment. All I know is I'm struggling with this concept, and trying to make sense of it. That's okay, right? It's okay to show my struggles and where I am more "firmly grounded" (for lack of a better term) faith wise.
"While it is understandable that people in the midst of tragedy or
philosophy ask “Why does God allow x?” the source of sin and evil is never-
the-less not God."
It's not God? But God has the power to stop it. He has the power to "make it better." He could have stopped so much from happening, but he didn't. How do I explain that to someone, though? Maybe one day I'll understand it myself, but I'm not sure I get how I get that through to someone else who has suffered more than me. I just... I grapple with it. And I hope that soon I can write about something that I'm confident about in my faith, right? Right!
Author comments:
Well, sin is always a fun topic to write about. And it's one I struggle with. I don't even know if I view sin in the traditional Christian way or that I really know what I'm writing about. It's hard to write about, that's for sure.
Said differently, to understand sin as a matter of morality is to misunderstand sin."
I'm not quite sure I agree with this. Why is mortality the worst form of sin? How is that any worse than child abuse, murder, etc? What is so bad about morality? We are all mere mortals, we are all created mortal. And really, how can you say that "morality is the worst form of sin" when we are taught that all sins are equal? Really, in God's eyes, aren't we taught that a sin is a sin, and no sin is "worse" than another? True, the earthly consequences may be "worse", but according to the Christian doctrine I've been taught (granted, not LCMS, but Nazarene and Church of Christ) that a sin is a sin. I'm not even sure if I fully jive with the traditional Christian concept of sin. And what if people do understand sin as a matter of morality? We are all mortals, so what is so wrong with viewing it that way? What if people do "misunderstand" sin? Does that make them worse sinners than someone else? Does that make them a bad person? I don't think not fully understanding something is bad. Or is it meant more that "morality is the worst form of sin" that doing mortal acts is sinful? Maybe I don't understand. Maybe I'm wrestling with this in the wrong way. Maybe I'm way missing the mark. I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing what I should with this assignment. All I know is I'm struggling with this concept, and trying to make sense of it. That's okay, right? It's okay to show my struggles and where I am more "firmly grounded" (for lack of a better term) faith wise.
"While it is understandable that people in the midst of tragedy or
philosophy ask “Why does God allow x?” the source of sin and evil is never-
the-less not God."
It's not God? But God has the power to stop it. He has the power to "make it better." He could have stopped so much from happening, but he didn't. How do I explain that to someone, though? Maybe one day I'll understand it myself, but I'm not sure I get how I get that through to someone else who has suffered more than me. I just... I grapple with it. And I hope that soon I can write about something that I'm confident about in my faith, right? Right!
Author comments:
Well, sin is always a fun topic to write about.
19.9.11
All things bright and beautiful, the Lord God made them all
All creatures of our God and king!
Lift up your voice and with us sing!
O praise Him, Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
thou silver moon with softer gleam
O praise Him, O praise him
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
This weeks theme is "Creating", and so using lyrics from this hymn seems fitting - for the lord God DID make them all. And so, it seems to fit well with the basic themes we are going with here - God created all, the creatures, nature, etc (at least, that's what I was taught way back in nursery school)
From Colossians 1: 15-17 (HCSB)
He is the image of the invisible God,
He is creation, and He created all. He created what we see - the lush green grass, the shining sun, the clear blue sky. The dog with the wagging tail, and the child's laughter. But he also created what we don't see - the internal structures of our being, our souls,, emotions, hope, love, joy, peace... it all streams back to Him. And He was before them, and He is the duct tape that holds it all together.
2 Cor 5:17 (HCSB) 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.
God not only DID create, but He continues to create. He is creating more and more every day . Within His people, He is molding and shaping us to become better and better creations. And as the old things fade into dust, He uses the new to mold us and shape us into better creations. Creation isn't just what we see when we look outside - it's not just the freshly fallen blanket of snow, nor is it the brightly coloured leaves that flutter to the ground. But when people "convert" to Christianity, He continues to mold, create, and work towards the state of perfection.
Author Comments:
I feel like this blog was very half-hearted. First, I have no profound thoughts on Creation. I've been taught since I was a child that God created everything, and so this is nothing new to me. Really, what is there to say about creation that hasn't been said? It's hard, though, because even though I KNOW it, do I really believe it? Do I really "Praise God from whom all blessings all flow, Praise Him all creatures hear below! Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost" like the doxology says? I mean, if He created everything, then He created all those blessings. He created all those creatures, and the Heavenly hosts. But as I've said before, knowing and believing are two different things. At times I feel that I'm frozen, and that I'm waiting for a thaw. I know all these things, or I've heard them somewhere along the line, but applying them to my life and fully BELIEVING them is a new, scary concept. And I have to wonder... am I ready to make the plunge out into that unknown? I know what it's like to KNOW, but I don't fully know what it's like to BELIEVE.
Lift up your voice and with us sing!
O praise Him, Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
thou silver moon with softer gleam
O praise Him, O praise him
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
This weeks theme is "Creating", and so using lyrics from this hymn seems fitting - for the lord God DID make them all. And so, it seems to fit well with the basic themes we are going with here - God created all, the creatures, nature, etc (at least, that's what I was taught way back in nursery school)
From Colossians 1: 15-17 (HCSB)
He is the image of the invisible God,
the firstborn over all creation;
16 because by Him everything was created,
in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible,
whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—
all things have been created through Him and for Him.
17 He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together.
He is creation, and He created all. He created what we see - the lush green grass, the shining sun, the clear blue sky. The dog with the wagging tail, and the child's laughter. But he also created what we don't see - the internal structures of our being, our souls,, emotions, hope, love, joy, peace... it all streams back to Him. And He was before them, and He is the duct tape that holds it all together.
2 Cor 5:17 (HCSB) 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.
God not only DID create, but He continues to create. He is creating more and more every day . Within His people, He is molding and shaping us to become better and better creations. And as the old things fade into dust, He uses the new to mold us and shape us into better creations. Creation isn't just what we see when we look outside - it's not just the freshly fallen blanket of snow, nor is it the brightly coloured leaves that flutter to the ground. But when people "convert" to Christianity, He continues to mold, create, and work towards the state of perfection.
Author Comments:
I feel like this blog was very half-hearted. First, I have no profound thoughts on Creation. I've been taught since I was a child that God created everything, and so this is nothing new to me. Really, what is there to say about creation that hasn't been said? It's hard, though, because even though I KNOW it, do I really believe it? Do I really "Praise God from whom all blessings all flow, Praise Him all creatures hear below! Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost" like the doxology says? I mean, if He created everything, then He created all those blessings. He created all those creatures, and the Heavenly hosts. But as I've said before, knowing and believing are two different things. At times I feel that I'm frozen, and that I'm waiting for a thaw. I know all these things, or I've heard them somewhere along the line, but applying them to my life and fully BELIEVING them is a new, scary concept. And I have to wonder... am I ready to make the plunge out into that unknown? I know what it's like to KNOW, but I don't fully know what it's like to BELIEVE.
17.9.11
I've known sorrow, I have known pain.
How ironic. Part of what I'm currently struggling with in Christianity, is right here in front of me. Aye yi yi. I had this convo with my friend Nick a few times. We both suffered from extreme physical ailments, and both lived in constant pain. Nick was one of the strongest Christians I was ever blessed to know. I wish we hadn't had those fights last summer, and I wish he hadn't died this summer. Because I would love to make up, I would love to discuss this stuff with him. But one song he introduced me to (and was also at his funeral) was a song by Chris Tomlin: "And I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain."
Carry forth on to Luther!
" I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my limbs, my reason, and all my senses," (SC, Article 1).
Honestly? I take issue with this. Quite a bit of issue, actually. Fine. God created me. But he created me faulty. When I complained about this as a child, I was told "God don't make junk" and that "all things work together for His glory". All fine and good and well, I suppose. But when I suffer from so many ailments, I can't help but wonder if I somehow got overlooked. I think this is the one aspect of Christianity I struggle with the most. God created me, my limbs, eyes, etc. And these things don't work right and as each day goes on, fall more and more apart. And it's a struggle, because there's so much pain in it. I hope that one day I can grow to accept it, and that I can find God in the midst of my pain. But right now? I cannot.
"For here we see how the Father has given Himself to us, together with all creatures, and has most richly provided for us in this life, besides that He has overwhelmed us with unspeakable, eternal treasures by His Son and the Holy Ghost, as we shall hear." (LC, Article 1, num 24)
I suppose this blog post isn't very uplifting. I try to have one uplifting part, but I'm sick and struggling right now, so it's just not there. I struggle with the fact that "God has provided" when I struggle to make ends meet. When I make my small amount of money I get a month get all the things I need: food, bills, medicine, laundry, etc. I know that at the end of the day all my needs are met, but the stress that goes through making sure they are all is difficult. And even though I know there are eternal treasures in store, I still struggle to believe.
Heh. Slightly depressing post this time, but I guess it happens at times. Such is life.
Author Reflections:
Kinda odd how I keep looping back to the subject of struggling with how God made me. Guess he's trying to teach me something, eh? Guess this is something I need to learn. Guess it's something that's really hitting me lately. That's okay. Maybe I'll learn and accept it, or maybe it's something I'll always struggle with. I think it's perfectly okay to not always have the answers as much as we may want them.
Carry forth on to Luther!
" I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my limbs, my reason, and all my senses," (SC, Article 1).
Honestly? I take issue with this. Quite a bit of issue, actually. Fine. God created me. But he created me faulty. When I complained about this as a child, I was told "God don't make junk" and that "all things work together for His glory". All fine and good and well, I suppose. But when I suffer from so many ailments, I can't help but wonder if I somehow got overlooked. I think this is the one aspect of Christianity I struggle with the most. God created me, my limbs, eyes, etc. And these things don't work right and as each day goes on, fall more and more apart. And it's a struggle, because there's so much pain in it. I hope that one day I can grow to accept it, and that I can find God in the midst of my pain. But right now? I cannot.
"For here we see how the Father has given Himself to us, together with all creatures, and has most richly provided for us in this life, besides that He has overwhelmed us with unspeakable, eternal treasures by His Son and the Holy Ghost, as we shall hear." (LC, Article 1, num 24)
I suppose this blog post isn't very uplifting. I try to have one uplifting part, but I'm sick and struggling right now, so it's just not there. I struggle with the fact that "God has provided" when I struggle to make ends meet. When I make my small amount of money I get a month get all the things I need: food, bills, medicine, laundry, etc. I know that at the end of the day all my needs are met, but the stress that goes through making sure they are all is difficult. And even though I know there are eternal treasures in store, I still struggle to believe.
Heh. Slightly depressing post this time, but I guess it happens at times. Such is life.
Author Reflections:
Kinda odd how I keep looping back to the subject of struggling with how God made me. Guess he's trying to teach me something, eh? Guess this is something I need to learn. Guess it's something that's really hitting me lately. That's okay. Maybe I'll learn and accept it, or maybe it's something I'll always struggle with. I think it's perfectly okay to not always have the answers as much as we may want them.
wake me up when september ends.
I sometimes find myself wishing that life had turned out differently for me. I know, I know, it's useless to dwell on things I cannot change. But how different would things be if I could see better? If I wasn't dysgraphic? If I could walk normally? If I didn't have NF? If I didn't have PTSD?
How different would things be? In some ways, all these things have given me a great appreciation for life. But at the same time, it hurts and it's raw and it's painful. I just want to be normal.
Oh, I have my moments of normal where I play on the playground like a little kid, where I play Pokemon and Zelda, where I watch cheesy movies. But at the same time, I feel very broken, very incomplete.
This isn't a new struggle, it's ongoing for the past 10+ years. It doesn't help that each year my medical list seems to grow more and more. I'm tired of it, already. I'm tired of my vision deteriorating. I'm tired of my mobility getting worse. I'm just sick of it, okay?!
But there isn't an answer. There isn't an answer to why I was chosen for this path, or why this path chose me. There isn't an answer to some of my faith questions, some of my faith struggles, some of my pain and heartbreak.
August-November is a weird time for it. It was August, 2006 (5 years ago now, wow) that my grandfather died. It was October, 2005 (6 years ago), that I gained my independence day (that's another blog entry, though). It was November of last year that my grandmother died. September is always a living hell, between my health going to crap, getting settled into the swing of school, et al. But it was in September of 2005 that I knew what I had to do with my father. Little did I know it would turn into the most painful and difficult decision of my life. Little did I know that one decision would shatter my faith in the church, ruin friendships, and completely break my heart. I think The Fray said it well:
"We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
There's so much. So much packed into this season of late summer/early fall, that just brings pain and heartache. And then, once again, the fall turns into autumn. And the outside mirrors my heart: cold, frozen, and waiting for the Spring thaw that seems like it will never come.
How different would things be? In some ways, all these things have given me a great appreciation for life. But at the same time, it hurts and it's raw and it's painful. I just want to be normal.
Oh, I have my moments of normal where I play on the playground like a little kid, where I play Pokemon and Zelda, where I watch cheesy movies. But at the same time, I feel very broken, very incomplete.
This isn't a new struggle, it's ongoing for the past 10+ years. It doesn't help that each year my medical list seems to grow more and more. I'm tired of it, already. I'm tired of my vision deteriorating. I'm tired of my mobility getting worse. I'm just sick of it, okay?!
But there isn't an answer. There isn't an answer to why I was chosen for this path, or why this path chose me. There isn't an answer to some of my faith questions, some of my faith struggles, some of my pain and heartbreak.
August-November is a weird time for it. It was August, 2006 (5 years ago now, wow) that my grandfather died. It was October, 2005 (6 years ago), that I gained my independence day (that's another blog entry, though). It was November of last year that my grandmother died. September is always a living hell, between my health going to crap, getting settled into the swing of school, et al. But it was in September of 2005 that I knew what I had to do with my father. Little did I know it would turn into the most painful and difficult decision of my life. Little did I know that one decision would shatter my faith in the church, ruin friendships, and completely break my heart. I think The Fray said it well:
"We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
There's so much. So much packed into this season of late summer/early fall, that just brings pain and heartache. And then, once again, the fall turns into autumn. And the outside mirrors my heart: cold, frozen, and waiting for the Spring thaw that seems like it will never come.
13.9.11
oh heart of mine, come back home
I don't have a lot of profound thoughts, or even lyrics for this one. Sorry, folks!
Correlation to Luther’s comments on the Creed may be noted (SC 2:1 –6)
1. I believe that God has made me and all that exists,
2. The Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel
If I may be brutally honest, I struggle with this. It's a concept of Christianity I just can't grasp. OK, so God created me. Great. It's in the Apostle's creed, it's in the Bible. But as a disabled person, I don't understand it. And to be frank, it's one of my major beefs with Christianity. Many times in the Bible God and Jesus are portrayed as divine Healer, the great Physician. So if they are so great, why can't I walk without a limp? Why do I spend every single day of my life in immense pain, often some days to the point where I can't haul myself out of bed? And so, how can I be a witness? I mean, I've been taught since I was a kid that I'm to lead others to Christ. Point them toward the ways of truth. I just can't fathom. If he made me, why did he make me like THIS? Why did he give me such a messed up family structure? He created me and all things that exist, why couldn't He have created things a LITTLE BIT BETTER for me? How can I tell someone that all things are by him, though him, and for him, and that he ordains all things for His glory, when so much just, well, sucks?
"“Sacrament” is a Biblical reality though it is not a Biblical word."
This is something that I honestly didn't know. It's interesting, how we are taught many Biblical concepts, but those exact words aren't actually IN the Bible. That we have this stuff hammered into us, but in reality it's slightly different. Interesting.
Author Comments:
Reflecting. I sense that there's a lot of bitterness towards God and my disabilities that I didn't quite realize. I guess I act like it's not big deal, when in reality it's tearing my apart. And I learned about the sacrament thing, so I guess that's good??
Correlation to Luther’s comments on the Creed may be noted (SC 2:1 –6)
1. I believe that God has made me and all that exists,
2. The Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel
If I may be brutally honest, I struggle with this. It's a concept of Christianity I just can't grasp. OK, so God created me. Great. It's in the Apostle's creed, it's in the Bible. But as a disabled person, I don't understand it. And to be frank, it's one of my major beefs with Christianity. Many times in the Bible God and Jesus are portrayed as divine Healer, the great Physician. So if they are so great, why can't I walk without a limp? Why do I spend every single day of my life in immense pain, often some days to the point where I can't haul myself out of bed? And so, how can I be a witness? I mean, I've been taught since I was a kid that I'm to lead others to Christ. Point them toward the ways of truth. I just can't fathom. If he made me, why did he make me like THIS? Why did he give me such a messed up family structure? He created me and all things that exist, why couldn't He have created things a LITTLE BIT BETTER for me? How can I tell someone that all things are by him, though him, and for him, and that he ordains all things for His glory, when so much just, well, sucks?
"“Sacrament” is a Biblical reality though it is not a Biblical word."
This is something that I honestly didn't know. It's interesting, how we are taught many Biblical concepts, but those exact words aren't actually IN the Bible. That we have this stuff hammered into us, but in reality it's slightly different. Interesting.
Author Comments:
Reflecting. I sense that there's a lot of bitterness towards God and my disabilities that I didn't quite realize. I guess I act like it's not big deal, when in reality it's tearing my apart. And I learned about the sacrament thing, so I guess that's good??
12.9.11
There is a Redeemer, Jesus, God's own Son.
"Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it! Redeemed by the blood of the lamb! Redeemed through His infinitive mercy, His child and forever I am!"
To fully understand redemption, I think we need a good, solid definition for redemption. For me, an avid video gaming, redeeming is merely trading in your points or coins, and you get something better. Now, I'm quite certain that Martin Luther didn't sit around playing Final Fantasy, so clearly he is going for something else:
According to dictionary.com, there are nine ways to define "redeemed", but we are going with this one:
"to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner."
Galatians 3: 12-14 But the law is not based on faith; instead, the one who does these things will live by them. Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, because it is written: Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. The purpose was that the blessing of Abraham would come to the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, so that we could receive the promise of the Spirit through faith. (HCSB)
What does this mean? It means that Christ, the beloved son of God, redeemed us. Not through points, not through coins, but through His own life and blood. "And when I think, that God, his Son, not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it. And on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, bled and died to take away my sins." It means that God loved us enough to do something that would break most (I won't say every) parent's hearts: He gave up His own son and watched Him suffer. Can you imagine? Think of the most important person in your life, and imaging having to give them up... but yet, you know you have the power to make it stop. You have the power to stop their pain, and they have the power to say the word and it will stop. But this is the answer. Can you imagine? This is the way that God redeemed us!
1 Peter 1:18-19 For you know that you were redeemed from your empty way of life inherited from the fathers, not with perishable things, like silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without defect or blemish.
Jesus was the perfect lamb. He was sinless, pure, and innocent. And that is why this redemption "worked", why this payment was enough. This is how this payment was able to meet the price, and redeem our souls.
To fully understand redemption, I think we need a good, solid definition for redemption. For me, an avid video gaming, redeeming is merely trading in your points or coins, and you get something better. Now, I'm quite certain that Martin Luther didn't sit around playing Final Fantasy, so clearly he is going for something else:
According to dictionary.com, there are nine ways to define "redeemed", but we are going with this one:
"to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner."
Galatians 3: 12-14 But the law is not based on faith; instead, the one who does these things will live by them. Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, because it is written: Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. The purpose was that the blessing of Abraham would come to the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, so that we could receive the promise of the Spirit through faith. (HCSB)
What does this mean? It means that Christ, the beloved son of God, redeemed us. Not through points, not through coins, but through His own life and blood. "And when I think, that God, his Son, not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it. And on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, bled and died to take away my sins." It means that God loved us enough to do something that would break most (I won't say every) parent's hearts: He gave up His own son and watched Him suffer. Can you imagine? Think of the most important person in your life, and imaging having to give them up... but yet, you know you have the power to make it stop. You have the power to stop their pain, and they have the power to say the word and it will stop. But this is the answer. Can you imagine? This is the way that God redeemed us!
1 Peter 1:18-19 For you know that you were redeemed from your empty way of life inherited from the fathers, not with perishable things, like silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without defect or blemish.
Jesus was the perfect lamb. He was sinless, pure, and innocent. And that is why this redemption "worked", why this payment was enough. This is how this payment was able to meet the price, and redeem our souls.
11.9.11
But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom
As a child, I was taught the Apostle's Creed. I am completely rubbish at memorizing things (all these years later, I STILL don't know the order of all the books of the Bible!) and didn't know it in full until I learned the song "Creed" by Rich Mullins. I can now recite it (mostly).
"purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil, not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death" (Apostle's Creed, A2 SC-BoC)
It really echoes the words of the old hymn: "Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the folds of God! He to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood!" It's a strange concept to grasp, though, and I admit, it some ways I still grapple with it. How could I put bought with BLOOD? It's rather gory, to think about it. Why couldn't God, being almighty and powerful, choose a different way to redeem us? He's God. Why did He choose such a gruesome way to redeem us, with two slabs of wood and sharp nails? I struggle with it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I've been taught it's the ultimate display of love, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why this was chosen to be such a profound display of love.
"It is this, that He has redeemed me from sin, from the devil, from death, and all evil. For before I had no Lord nor King, but was captive under the power of the devil, condemned to death, enmeshed in sin and blindness. "(Apostle's Creed, A2, Num27, LC-BoC)
This sounds exactly like Romans 8:38-39, because before Christ, all these things could hold us captive. Death, sin, darkness, death, could all separate us. But now, as in the words of the song "In Christ Alone" states "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till he returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand." It's one of those things I know, logically and intellectually, but have difficulty applying to my life. It doesn't make it any less right or wrong, true or untrue. But yet... for those who believe, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. That you have been redeemed,redeemed from all the darkness. Before, you were condemned to a life of hopelessness, but now, you can have of life of hope.
"purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil, not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death" (Apostle's Creed, A2 SC-BoC)
It really echoes the words of the old hymn: "Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the folds of God! He to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood!" It's a strange concept to grasp, though, and I admit, it some ways I still grapple with it. How could I put bought with BLOOD? It's rather gory, to think about it. Why couldn't God, being almighty and powerful, choose a different way to redeem us? He's God. Why did He choose such a gruesome way to redeem us, with two slabs of wood and sharp nails? I struggle with it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I've been taught it's the ultimate display of love, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why this was chosen to be such a profound display of love.
"It is this, that He has redeemed me from sin, from the devil, from death, and all evil. For before I had no Lord nor King, but was captive under the power of the devil, condemned to death, enmeshed in sin and blindness. "(Apostle's Creed, A2, Num27, LC-BoC)
This sounds exactly like Romans 8:38-39, because before Christ, all these things could hold us captive. Death, sin, darkness, death, could all separate us. But now, as in the words of the song "In Christ Alone" states "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till he returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand." It's one of those things I know, logically and intellectually, but have difficulty applying to my life. It doesn't make it any less right or wrong, true or untrue. But yet... for those who believe, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. That you have been redeemed,redeemed from all the darkness. Before, you were condemned to a life of hopelessness, but now, you can have of life of hope.
3.9.11
All To Him I Owe
"And when before the throne, I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save, my lips shall still repeat...
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin have left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow...
Oh praise the one who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead."
It's weird that I've been listening to this song a lot lately, because I'm not sure what I believe. I want to believe something. Heck, one of my majors is even ministry based! So, logic says I should believe. I should know what I believe in if I want to major in it!
I'm taking a theology class now, and I must say I'm struggling. I have so many questions about God! So many questions about Jesus! So many what, why, when, how... they swamp my mind and I'm swimming in them. Struggles. Real, intense struggles. Trapped.
And are there even answers to my questions? Or are there just questions?
Jesus died my soul to save, my lips shall still repeat...
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin have left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow...
Oh praise the one who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead."
It's weird that I've been listening to this song a lot lately, because I'm not sure what I believe. I want to believe something. Heck, one of my majors is even ministry based! So, logic says I should believe. I should know what I believe in if I want to major in it!
I'm taking a theology class now, and I must say I'm struggling. I have so many questions about God! So many questions about Jesus! So many what, why, when, how... they swamp my mind and I'm swimming in them. Struggles. Real, intense struggles. Trapped.
And are there even answers to my questions? Or are there just questions?
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