Ministry Major Malaise

I wish that I could write a post that fully shows how much depression sucks. I wish that there was a way I could let you take a peek into my world and what it's like living in this world. A world where you don't trust anyone, lest of all yourself. A world where it's like you're reaching and grasping for something, a shred, a spark, but perhaps it just doesn't exist. A world where it feels like a game of Jenga, and that you never know if the next block being removed will cause you to wobble, collapse, or stay sturdy.

But yet, I'm taking a break from writing about depression to try and write about something else. Because it all interlinks together. It all fits together, somehow, someway. It all overlaps and it's all a part of the same puzzle.

I'll be honest, I haven't talked a lot about my week at IHOP. How it completely shattered my faith. How in so many ways, it screwed up how I view God. How it completely broke me. How it played mind games with me. How I went on such an emotional roller coaster. And frankly? I feel stupid! HOW could one week, "onething", affect me so deeply? It was just a week, for God's sake! There's no reason it should have shattered my faith so badly, that it should have so badly demented how I see God. There's no reason, and I beat myself up constantly for it. I know who God is. I know logically, I know all the facts, but convincing my heart to believe what my head knows is a struggle.

I find myself on the brink of self injury. Why, you say? Your scars are fading. You've been free for so long. Why would you throw all that away for just a few moments of solace, of false serenity, of bittersweet relief? IT HELPS. It lets me out of my inner hell, my inner demons, for just a little while, and that is help enough. It's not worth it in the long run, but sometimes we do things that aren't worth it in the long run just because we don't know better. But no, how dare I ruin God's temple. How dare I screw up the gift God gave me. How dare I turn to myself! I'm a pathetic excuse for a Christian because allegedly His blood was enough so I don't need to shed my own. (You will see how this relates, I hope, and this paragraph isn't just random).

I'm struggling to keep my head afloat. I'm struggling to keep normal sleep patterns, eating patterns, living patterns. I find myself escaping to books, video games, TV shows, and movies just to try and get a break from my brain, from my crazy self. And what I hate the most? Several years ago, I'd turn to God. Several years ago, I'd pray. Several years ago, I'd find refuge in my faith. And now I don't. Now my faith, the very thing I'm studying in college, the very thing I desire more than anything to do with my life, is what is scaring me and plummeting me deeper into the pits of despair. I find myself angry at God: angry at Him for allowing that week, angry at Him for allowing all the hellish moments of my life. Then I get angry at myself for getting angry at God because who am I to be so angry at Him? I find myself angry from events at old churches that shook, shattered, and tore my faith to shreds. I find myself furious of what people do in the alleged name of God, the horrible hurtful things they do - some intend to hurt, some because people are just sometimes dunderheads.

And yet, I hurt myself. Because I see how I am not worthy. I see how I am a bad Christian, and maybe all those terrible lies I believe in reality are true. Maybe there's a reason I went through those various church and ministry-place-related struggles, because they're the truth. Logically, I know that's a bunch of bullcrap, but who said my brain is always logical?

And worst of all, I'm terrified. What if I make some mistake in the ministry? What if I totally screw someone up, shake their faith, tear their soul to shreds? How would I ever live with myself? What if I mess someone up as badly as I was messed up? Am I being rational? Am I irrational? Would I have these fears if it were not for how badly I've been hurt "in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?" What would church pastors say to me? What would fellow Christians say to me? What would atheists say to me?

It's difficult. I've been hurt in so many ways, by so many people. And an age-old saying is "hurting people hurt people." What if... what if I hurt someone? What if my hurt ruins someone else? Is it just a vicious cycle that will never be ended?

Through despair and hope, through faith and love

Seven years ago, everything was changing. Little did I know that just over a month later, everything would further spiral out of control. Me, the control freak that I am, would be left utterly helpless and shattered. How was I to know that age 18, soon everything I knew would change? How was I to know at 18, everything was going to be different soon? How was I to know that I would soon sink into utter despair, and not know when I would find hope again?

September 28, 2005 was the day I totally melted down from stress in the middle of my College Prep World History class. I remember just bursting into tears during a study period, and my teacher trying to console me. But me, being the stubborn person I am, threw up my walls and refused to let him in. Idiotic move there, Ang. Soon things would change so much. But I wonder how different it would have been had I opened up to the teacher then. But I was scared to death. I was only 18 and while legally an adult, if I told the other people at school what was going on, legal systems would be involved. Kind of funny how just over a month later, my faith in the legal system was shattered as well. Kind of funny how my faith in the church and the legal system both took a suckerpunch, and I still haven't regained faith in the legal system.

I guess it's kind of funny now that I'm going into the ministry. It's kind of my ultimate "screw you, bitches!" to the people who hurt me in the church. It's the proverbial middle finger to those who told me I'd never amount to anything, I'd never graduate college. Because you know what? I'm going to make a difference. My story of despair was not for naught, and I can turn it into hope. If I can make a difference in just one life, I will have had an effective ministry. If I can help just one teenager, just one child, if I can protect the child that others failed to protect, my work is complete.

I want to help the ones who slip through the cracks. The ones who fall to the wayside. It doesn't matter if no one else loves them, I want to love them. To turn despair into hope, and to administer faith and love. To be someone they can trust, and not someone who will shatter everything when one of the darkest secrets come to life.

And that is my dream. One of them. The other is to work in a summer camp for disabled children, but that's another post. Another day. Another night.

It's bedtime. Alarm goes off too early, but it's another little sleep night. Been too many of those lately, but not much I can do about it at the moment.

Arise and seize the day, or, 100 reasons part 4.

So I started this series back before the last semester ended, and didn't really come back to it. Oops. Considering this is how I feel about the current semester:

I thought it might be a good idea to come back to it. :D

If you're curious about the other entries, here is Part 1, 2, and 3

31. Fairly Oddparents. They are fun, zany, and an awesome show to watch when I just need to take my mind off stuff. Or I want something to watch when I don't feel good, having a pain flare, etc.

32. 

The past hurts, but it doesn't mean that I always have to hurt. It doesn't mean I have to run from it. It doesn't mean I have to dwell in it, or that it's a reason to die.

33. "Sometimes things have to change, and maybe sometimes it's for the better." - Lilo and Stitch.
I don't like change. I fear it. It makes me run for the hills screaming. But change isn't bad, and in fact, it can be the complete turn around that I need. As much as I hate it, it's a reason to be.

34. COOKIES. COOKIES ARE YUMMEH. COOKIES ARE TASTY. YAY!!

35. KITTEHS!!

I want a kitteh cat and dead people can't have kittens. Well, PEOPLE can't have kittens, CATS have kittens. But I can sing Soft Kitty to the kitty! ^_^

36. Rock band/guitar hero. Is fun. ^_^

37. Can't be a youth minister/camp director if I'm a dead. Zombie youth director ain't my callin', mates.

38. SESAME STREET.

39. Berries. Berries are yummy. And tasty. And stuff.

40. I want to learn to play violin again. :)

this is your life, are you who you want to be?

I'm kind of freaked out at the moment. Okay, let's rephrase that. I'm very freaked out. I very much want to go in the ministry. I want to teach, to reach, to help. But I don't think that Director of Christian Outreach is right. I'm not made to witness to people! I can't do these face to face convos, calling people to faith! I can't help a pregnant woman, because I don't fully believe that abortion is wrong. I can't help a gay person, because I don't know that it's wrong to be gay and I've become more accepting of it over the years.

But how can I be a director of Christian outreach when bringing people into the church freaks me out? I don't want to bring new people in - I want to help the ones who are here. I go into a cold sweat, panic, puke, cry, clam up, and my mind goes blank when I have to do this stuff - even though I know it all logically. I can do it over a messenger. But if i have to do it in person? It's a living hell. I'm not made to do this! I want to teach! I want to read about Mark (my favourite gospel) and make it relatable! I want to play with children! I want to do young adult ministry! (I can't deal with teenagers :P) I don't want to pull new people into the church! I'm fine with helping the broken, Lord knows i want to help those who have been broken be it by the church or by life or both. But I'm not the one to pull them into a relationship with Christ.

I've been struggling with this for awhile. It doesn't help that my eating disorder is out of control, it doesn't help that my pain and depression and ADD are not medicated. (I go to pick up my Remeron  tomorrow). It doesn't help that I'm struggling to pass math. It doesn't help that I'm trying to find an apartment, move off campus, line up doctor's appointments. And at times it feels like I'm doing it all single-handedly. It doesn't help that I feel so stressed out.

It's like I'm playing Pokemon, and I'm up against a trainer who has the attack that's super effective against me. We're down to a grass pokemon and a fire pokemon, and I have no other pokemon left other than my poor Leafeon and they're kicking ass with Rapidash. I can't flee from a trainer battle, and so attack after attack is hurled at me until I faint, until I black out.

Y U PICK ON ME? THAT NO IZ NICE.

Ahem. Anyway, I'm struggling with this. This is my life, is it who I want to be? I try to make the changes to make things better but it's hard. And there are some things I cannot change. I guess it's like the serenity prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to accept the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference."

It just seems like such a struggle some days. Every attack is super effective, and wears me down more and more. I just don't know what to do anymore and how to keep pulling through. 

"I cannot find my voice."

I have this habit of locking down inside myself. Oh, there is so much happening. Images dancing in my head, sights, smells, sounds, twisting together, tangling, intertwined. It's safer to stay silent. It's safer not to speak. I'm afraid to speak out. Speaking out senior year and being shushed solidified that fear. I was only eighteen. I was a senior in high school. And I was heartbroken. I wouldn't wish the choices I made that cold October morning to my worst enemy. But yet, the choices let me to where I am today.


I've grown so much since my senior year. I should hope so, considering I'll have graduated six years ago come June. Six years is a long time, and even as I got my diploma that warm June evening, I had no idea the changes that would come over the next few years. I had no idea I would legally be declared disabled before 21. I had no idea I would sever ties with my mother as well. I had no idea that I would be called into the ministry. I had no idea I wouldn't finish college in Canada and that in 2012 I'd still be working on my undergraduate degree. I had no idea I'd live in frick-fracking MINNESOTA where it's frick-fracking cold. I had no idea I'd still be battling PTSD, cutting, eating disorder... I suppose I thought it'd magically stop, but NEWSFLASH: IT WON'T.

I had no idea that both my grandparents would die before I completed my undergraduate degree. I had no idea that I would make beautiful friendships, meet my future best friends, and go through heart-wrenching grief. I had no idea of any of that.

I had no idea at age 24 people would STILL think I'm 14. Heh. Funnily enough, side story. I was on my way to a doctor's appointment and I mentioned how I still had a specialist at the Children's Hospital. "Oh, you could easily pass for 14." Me: "Mmhmm." "You'll like  more as you get closer to your 30's!" *silence* "I'm 24." "WHAT?!" "Yeah, I'll be 25 in June." "...." "You're not 18?" 18 is the oldest I've been mistaken for in awhile, so I suppose that should make my happy. Anyway. Done with the side story.

Tori Amos said in her song "sometimes I hear my voice and it's been here, silent all these years." Problem is, I don't hear my voice. Sure, I blog and I write and I talk. But I bottle so much up. I keep so much inside me. And I don't know how to pull it out. There are things about my past that repulse me, that I haven't told anyone. And it scares me that it's there. And I don't want to talk about it because I'm afraid people, even those who want to help me so badly, won't like me anymore. Will think horrible things. Won't understand. And so, I carry the burden.

When will I realize how stupid that is?
When will I realize how dumb that is?
When will I find the way to pull out my voice and be strong?

at the cross you beckon me

Descent into hell: is it humiliation or exaltation? Why would you say so?

Can't it be both? It's exalation, because as the words of the worship song "In Christ Alone": "For every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ I live." If he took the sins, then he therefore has to take the punishment, which is eternal damnation. If he decended into hell, then we can see the qualities of exalation: he rose over it, he reigns over it, and hell now has no power over us because he is exalted above it for he went to it, and came back. Howver, if the other includes his death, burial, and suffering, it also intertwines with that, because clearly there was suffering in hell!

The classical Christian teaching about Jesus Christ as fully human and fully divine is confessed in the creeds and councils of the early church.
This is cool. I think we often (to use Christian-ese terms) get trapped in issues of dogma versus doctrine when talking about anything related to Jesus. And we collide on such things and get into verbal fistfights about who is right and who is wrong theologically. But in almost every single Christian cirlce, this is one universial truth. And so, it's cool to see how this one crucal thing goes all the way back and was even agreed on and acknowleded then.

Author Comments:
I like things that make me use vocab, such as the exalation versus humilation, but the English major still runs deep in me even though I switched to psych and ministry. I like how many classic Christian teachings aren't just tied to one particular church, but are more universial Christain truths.

{insert witty blog title here}

"This is the church, this is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people!"
I was taught that rhyme as a child, and we'd often do it in Sunday School. It's a simple little hand game, but it's kinda cool because no matter where you go, where you are, you can make a church with your hands. And in the same way, no matter where you go, where you are - you can be the church.

“What is the Church?” All those in whom the Holy Ghost
through the means of grace has worked faith in Christ constitute
an association or gathering, which we call the Church,” Koehler,
Summary of Christian Doctrine, 210.

I think we often think of church as the building we go to sunday mornings. It's true, this is one part of church. But yet it's like the verse in Scriptures: Where two or three are gathered in my name, then there I am. I think in some ways, especially when we've been wounded by the church, we hold a grunge against them and don't want to be involved. However, the church is those who gather in His name. While there's nothing wrong with the physical church, it's certainly not the only time.

This work is in process,
partial, growing, as Jesus works his salvation out in our lives, defeating
sin, death, and Satan in their death throes.

This really stuck out to me. It's kinda like a caterpillar - it's complete, yes, but it still has to become a butterfly. It has to go through the process of metamorphosis. As humans, we are constantly going through metamorphism. It doesn't change when we become the butterfly, though, for we are always changing and growing and learning.

Author Reflection

It helps me to realize that the church isn't just a church and a group of fallen people, but a community of believers. It helps me to realize that I'm a work in progress. And you string those two together - the church is a work in progress, always growing, always changing. Really neat thought.

And my wounds will be made whole

"Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Cor 6:11 (NLT)

Cleansed, holy, made right. I think it's something we all long for, in some way or another. Even, I think, the most non religious, non spiritual person out there longs to be made right in some way, shape, or form. Perhaps not in the way that a Christian longs, but I think it's a longing within all of us. We long for things to be "right". I know, for me, I long for things to be right: I long to have a family instead of fending for myself and building my own out of friends. I long to not have to poor over ever food label making sure there's not something in it that my body will read as poison and make me incredibly ill. Of course, this isn't quite the "making right" that is being referred to here, but it helps me to put things in real word terms, so maybe it will help others. However, God will make us right in other ways. Maybe not now, and it's a continuing process, but as we call upon His precious name, he cleanses us (Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crismon stain, He washed it white as snow) and makes us new. He makes us right in His eyes, our faults and all.

And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. John 10:16 (ESV)

You know, the whole one church concept has always been hard for me to grasp. I've been around in churches. I was raised Nazarene. When my parents split, I went to a Methodist church, then an independent Baptist church, then back to Methodist with my mother, and another Nazarene church with my father. By high school, my mom was back in the Methodist church and my Father was at a Church of Christ. After my faith was completely shattered in the church due to a tragic, unfortunate experience, I pulled away from the church. I've been around the block since then with different church experiences and different sets of doctrine, and so the fact that they all intermingle together into one church in God's eyes is hard to grasp. I don't think it's bad, per se, that it's hard to grasp, but I do think what we go though in life impacts how we grasp and read the Bible. I do think it's cool, though, that despite all my struggles in the church, it's all one body, one flesh, one blood of Believers.

And so we know God's word applies to our life today, and God has a lot to say in His book...
(Author Comments)

Um, excuse my brief Veggietales moment. God loves His church, and views it is one. It's one of those things I know, logically, and have been taught for years. But applying it and realizing that "Hey, we ARE one body of believers, despite our differences" is another kettle of fish. And it's also cool to reiterate how God cleanses each of us!

this robe of flesh, i'll drop and rise to seize the everlasting prize

"He forgives daily and richly all sins to me and all believers, and at the last day will raise up me and all the dead, and will give to me and to all believers in Christ everlasting life." (SC)

He forgives daily. All sins. To me, this is baffling (not in a "I don't quite understand it" way, but more in a "say what?!" way). I struggle to forgive. I don't hold grunges easily and for the most part, but there are some things that happened to me when I was little that I still haven't forgiven people for. And to myself, I am the hardest critic. I remember one time, crying to a friend, about how God could not possibly forgive me for what I'd done. All I remember is this friend saying "Angelique, who are you to deem what God can and cannot forgive?" And I think that is how I started wrestling with the concept of forgiveness. Quoting myself feels weird, but I look at a poem I wrote in 2010 which has this line: (he has scars just like ours) [maybe some day I'll post that poem on this blog because it really shows a great deal of my faith struggles]. But he has scars, too. And those scars are the reason he can forgive, whereas mine are the reason I need forgiveness.

God forgives daily. He forgives not only me, but all believers. The believers that, in the past, have hurt me and I struggled to forgive. And in turn, He forgives me for not forgiving. And finally, on the last day he will raise up from the dead and will give to all in Christ, everlasting life. What struck me was the realization: we won't need forgiving anymore on that day. He is forgiving us daily until then, molding us until we are in the state where we will no longer need it.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.


"But of Christ we could know nothing either, unless it had been revealed by the Holy Ghost. " (LC, number 65).

We know nothing, unless it's revealed. Allow me to repeat that: we know nothing unless it's revealed. We may think we're great theologians, we may think we're great Biblical scholars. But the thing is? We really, in reality, know nothing unless it's revealed. I struggle with this because I'm the kind of person who has to KNOW things before I do anything. But the thing is, the Christian faith isn't like that. You can't really know before you take the plunge, you just have to take the dive in and trust that God will be the life jacket to keep you afloat. You just have to go with what you do already know, and have faith and confidence in Christ that He will, in His divine timing, continue to reveal things to you to enrich your faith and deepen your trust in Him and Him alone.

Author comments:
Forgiveness is a strange concept. To think that what we have done can be washed away by the Almighty. That he can forgive, and continues to forgive. And that he, in his wisdom, chooses to forgive AND reveal to us.

Pretty cool!

my sin, not in part, but the whole... is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more praise the lord O my soul

"Sin is not a matter of morality. Morality may be the worst form of sin.
Said differently, to understand sin as a matter of morality is to misunderstand sin."

I'm not quite sure I agree with this. Why is mortality the worst form of sin? How is that any worse than child abuse, murder, etc? What is so bad about morality? We are all mere mortals, we are all created mortal. And really, how can you say that "morality is the worst form of sin" when we are taught that all sins are equal? Really, in God's eyes, aren't we taught that a sin is a sin, and no sin is "worse" than another? True, the earthly consequences may be "worse", but according to the Christian doctrine I've been taught (granted, not LCMS, but Nazarene and Church of Christ) that a sin is a sin. I'm not even sure if I fully jive with the traditional Christian concept of sin. And what if people do understand sin as a matter of morality? We are all mortals, so what is so wrong with viewing it that way? What if people do "misunderstand" sin? Does that make them worse sinners than someone else? Does that make them a bad person? I don't think not fully understanding something is bad. Or is it meant more that "morality is the worst form of sin" that doing mortal acts is sinful? Maybe I don't understand. Maybe I'm wrestling with this in the wrong way. Maybe I'm way missing the mark. I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing what I should with this assignment. All I know is I'm struggling with this concept, and trying to make sense of it. That's okay, right? It's okay to show my struggles and where I am more "firmly grounded" (for lack of a better term) faith wise.

"While it is understandable that people in the midst of tragedy or
philosophy ask “Why does God allow x?” the source of sin and evil is never-
the-less not God."

It's not God? But God has the power to stop it. He has the power to "make it better." He could have stopped so much from happening, but he didn't. How do I explain that to someone, though? Maybe one day I'll understand it myself, but I'm not sure I get how I get that through to someone else who has suffered more than me. I just... I grapple with it. And I hope that soon I can write about something that I'm confident about in my faith, right? Right!

Author comments:
Well, sin is always a fun topic to write about. And it's one I struggle with. I don't even know if I view sin in the traditional Christian way or that I really know what I'm writing about. It's hard to write about, that's for sure.

All things bright and beautiful, the Lord God made them all

All creatures of our God and king!
Lift up your voice and with us sing!
O praise Him, Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
thou silver moon with softer gleam
O praise Him, O praise him
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

This weeks theme is "Creating", and so using lyrics from this hymn seems fitting - for the lord God DID make them all. And so, it seems to fit well with the basic themes we are going with here - God created all, the creatures, nature, etc (at least, that's what I was taught way back in nursery school)

From Colossians 1: 15-17 (HCSB)

He is the image of the invisible God,

the firstborn over all creation;

¹⁶ because by Him everything was created,

in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible,

whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—

all things have been created through Him and for Him.

¹⁷ He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together.

He is creation, and He created all. He created what we see - the lush green grass, the shining sun, the clear blue sky. The dog with the wagging tail, and the child's laughter. But he also created what we don't see - the internal structures of our being, our souls,, emotions, hope, love, joy, peace... it all streams back to Him. And He was before them, and He is the duct tape that holds it all together.

2 Cor 5:17 (HCSB) ¹⁷ Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.

God not only DID create, but He continues to create. He is creating more and more every day . Within His people, He is molding and shaping us to become better and better creations. And as the old things fade into dust, He uses the new to mold us and shape us into better creations. Creation isn't just what we see when we look outside - it's not just the freshly fallen blanket of snow, nor is it the brightly coloured leaves that flutter to the ground. But when people "convert" to Christianity, He continues to mold, create, and work towards the state of perfection.


Author Comments:
I feel like this blog was very half-hearted. First, I have no profound thoughts on Creation. I've been taught since I was a child that God created everything, and so this is nothing new to me. Really, what is there to say about creation that hasn't been said? It's hard, though, because even though I KNOW it, do I really believe it? Do I really "Praise God from whom all blessings all flow, Praise Him all creatures hear below! Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost" like the doxology says? I mean, if He created everything, then He created all those blessings. He created all those creatures, and the Heavenly hosts. But as I've said before, knowing and believing are two different things. At times I feel that I'm frozen, and that I'm waiting for a thaw. I know all these things, or I've heard them somewhere along the line, but applying them to my life and fully BELIEVING them is a new, scary concept. And I have to wonder... am I ready to make the plunge out into that unknown? I know what it's like to KNOW, but I don't fully know what it's like to BELIEVE.

I've known sorrow, I have known pain.

How ironic. Part of what I'm currently struggling with in Christianity, is right here in front of me. Aye yi yi. I had this convo with my friend Nick a few times. We both suffered from extreme physical ailments, and both lived in constant pain. Nick was one of the strongest Christians I was ever blessed to know. I wish we hadn't had those fights last summer, and I wish he hadn't died this summer. Because I would love to make up, I would love to discuss this stuff with him. But one song he introduced me to (and was also at his funeral) was a song by Chris Tomlin: "And I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain."

Carry forth on to Luther!

" I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my limbs, my reason, and all my senses," (SC, Article 1).

Honestly? I take issue with this. Quite a bit of issue, actually. Fine. God created me. But he created me faulty. When I complained about this as a child, I was told "God don't make junk" and that "all things work together for His glory". All fine and good and well, I suppose. But when I suffer from so many ailments, I can't help but wonder if I somehow got overlooked. I think this is the one aspect of Christianity I struggle with the most. God created me, my limbs, eyes, etc. And these things don't work right and as each day goes on, fall more and more apart. And it's a struggle, because there's so much pain in it. I hope that one day I can grow to accept it, and that I can find God in the midst of my pain. But right now? I cannot.

"For here we see how the Father has given Himself to us, together with all creatures, and has most richly provided for us in this life, besides that He has overwhelmed us with unspeakable, eternal treasures by His Son and the Holy Ghost, as we shall hear." (LC, Article 1, num 24)

I suppose this blog post isn't very uplifting. I try to have one uplifting part, but I'm sick and struggling right now, so it's just not there. I struggle with the fact that "God has provided" when I struggle to make ends meet. When I make my small amount of money I get a month get all the things I need: food, bills, medicine, laundry, etc. I know that at the end of the day all my needs are met, but the stress that goes through making sure they are all is difficult. And even though I know there are eternal treasures in store, I still struggle to believe.

Heh. Slightly depressing post this time, but I guess it happens at times. Such is life.

Author Reflections:
Kinda odd how I keep looping back to the subject of struggling with how God made me. Guess he's trying to teach me something, eh? Guess this is something I need to learn. Guess it's something that's really hitting me lately. That's okay. Maybe I'll learn and accept it, or maybe it's something I'll always struggle with. I think it's perfectly okay to not always have the answers as much as we may want them.

oh heart of mine, come back home

I don't have a lot of profound thoughts, or even lyrics for this one. Sorry, folks!

Correlation to Luther’s comments on the Creed may be noted (SC 2:1 –6)

1. I believe that God has made me and all that exists,
2. The Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel

If I may be brutally honest, I struggle with this. It's a concept of Christianity I just can't grasp. OK, so God created me. Great. It's in the Apostle's creed, it's in the Bible. But as a disabled person, I don't understand it. And to be frank, it's one of my major beefs with Christianity. Many times in the Bible God and Jesus are portrayed as divine Healer, the great Physician. So if they are so great, why can't I walk without a limp? Why do I spend every single day of my life in immense pain, often some days to the point where I can't haul myself out of bed? And so, how can I be a witness? I mean, I've been taught since I was a kid that I'm to lead others to Christ. Point them toward the ways of truth. I just can't fathom. If he made me, why did he make me like THIS? Why did he give me such a messed up family structure? He created me and all things that exist, why couldn't He have created things a LITTLE BIT BETTER for me? How can I tell someone that all things are by him, though him, and for him, and that he ordains all things for His glory, when so much just, well, sucks?

"“Sacrament” is a Biblical reality though it is not a Biblical word."

This is something that I honestly didn't know. It's interesting, how we are taught many Biblical concepts, but those exact words aren't actually IN the Bible. That we have this stuff hammered into us, but in reality it's slightly different. Interesting.

Author Comments:

Reflecting. I sense that there's a lot of bitterness towards God and my disabilities that I didn't quite realize. I guess I act like it's not big deal, when in reality it's tearing my apart. And I learned about the sacrament thing, so I guess that's good??

There is a Redeemer, Jesus, God's own Son.

"Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it! Redeemed by the blood of the lamb! Redeemed through His infinitive mercy, His child and forever I am!"

To fully understand redemption, I think we need a good, solid definition for redemption. For me, an avid video gaming, redeeming is merely trading in your points or coins, and you get something better. Now, I'm quite certain that Martin Luther didn't sit around playing Final Fantasy, so clearly he is going for something else:


According to dictionary.com, there are nine ways to define "redeemed", but we are going with this one:

"to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner."

^Galatians 3: 12-14 But the law is not based on faith; instead, the one who does these things will live by them. Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, because it is written: Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. The purpose was that the blessing of Abraham would come to the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, so that we could receive the promise of the Spirit through faith. (HCSB)

What does this mean? It means that Christ, the beloved son of God, redeemed us. Not through points, not through coins, but through His own life and blood. "And when I think, that God, his Son, not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it. And on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, bled and died to take away my sins." It means that God loved us enough to do something that would break most (I won't say every) parent's hearts: He gave up His own son and watched Him suffer. Can you imagine? Think of the most important person in your life, and imaging having to give them up... but yet, you know you have the power to make it stop. You have the power to stop their pain, and they have the power to say the word and it will stop. But this is the answer. Can you imagine? This is the way that God redeemed us!

1 Peter 1:18-19 For you know that you were redeemed from your empty way of life inherited from the fathers, not with perishable things, like silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without defect or blemish.

Jesus was the perfect lamb. He was sinless, pure, and innocent. And that is why this redemption "worked", why this payment was enough. This is how this payment was able to meet the price, and redeem our souls.

But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom

As a child, I was taught the Apostle's Creed. I am completely rubbish at memorizing things (all these years later, I STILL don't know the order of all the books of the Bible!) and didn't know it in full until I learned the song "Creed" by Rich Mullins. I can now recite it (mostly).

"purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil, not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death" (Apostle's Creed, A2 SC-BoC)

It really echoes the words of the old hymn: "Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the folds of God! He to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood!" It's a strange concept to grasp, though, and I admit, it some ways I still grapple with it. How could I put bought with BLOOD? It's rather gory, to think about it. Why couldn't God, being almighty and powerful, choose a different way to redeem us? He's God. Why did He choose such a gruesome way to redeem us, with two slabs of wood and sharp nails? I struggle with it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I've been taught it's the ultimate display of love, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why this was chosen to be such a profound display of love.

"It is this, that He has redeemed me from sin, from the devil, from death, and all evil. For before I had no Lord nor King, but was captive under the power of the devil, condemned to death, enmeshed in sin and blindness. "(Apostle's Creed, A2, Num27, LC-BoC)

This sounds exactly like Romans 8:38-39, because before Christ, all these things could hold us captive. Death, sin, darkness, death, could all separate us. But now, as in the words of the song "In Christ Alone" states "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till he returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand." It's one of those things I know, logically and intellectually, but have difficulty applying to my life. It doesn't make it any less right or wrong, true or untrue. But yet... for those who believe, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. That you have been redeemed,redeemed from all the darkness. Before, you were condemned to a life of hopelessness, but now, you can have of life of hope.

Meet the Blogger

I suppose now would be a good time to write out some more info about me.

I go by the nickname Nora, but my legal name is Angelique. I live in Minnesota, but I was born and raised in Ohio. I'm 24 years old and a junior in college double majoring in psychology and ministry, with a minor in communications.

All that to say, my life is pretty busy during the school year. I'm doing some work with the TV studio this year which will be interesting, because most of my training and knowledge lies in radio. I ran my own radio show, The Coast to Toast show, at my previous college. I really enjoyed it, but had to give it up because of health issues. I miss radio like mad, though. I am, however, truck trained and certified with CTV North Suburbs (community access TV in St Paul) but most of what I know is with graphics and sound. I want to learn more about video type work because I am a dismal artist and so I would love for video to become my art form.

I love to sing. I'm a 2nd soprano/1st alto swing, depending on the piece. I'm not doing choir this semester because my life is crazy with school and doctor's appointments. I suffer from a genetic disorder known as NF1 (click the NF1 tag below to read more about it), along with a myriad of other issues. I had major back surgery this summer, and I'm still recovering from it. They say full recovery will take a year if no issues arise.

Musicals are awesome. I love RENT, Hairspray, Annie... if I were to list them all you'd be here way too long *laugh*. Movies are fun, too. I love those 80s movies and early 90s flicks that are so bad they're good. I love watching movies, and falling for the characters... that escape into another realm. I also love to read. I'm currently reading the Chronicles of Narnia for the first time ever, and it's pretty incredible. My favourite is The Giver, with a close second to Tuck Everlasting. I love the Harry Potter series, as well as A Series of Unfortunate Events (I really wish the movie had been better, though for the latter).

I love anime. Love love love. My all time favourite is Fruits Basket. I'm currently working my way through Fullmetal Alchemist, Full Metal Panic, and Ouron High School Host Club. Yes, all at the same time. After this, Negima, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and Full Metal Panic: The Second Raid are on my list. My favourite off air TV shows include Scrubs, Newsradio, Fraiser, WKRP in Cincinnati, Three's Company, and Family Ties. For current shows, it's mainly How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. I love video games. I rock the N64 and hope to acquire a Nintendo DS and a Playstation 2. I'm an RPG fan girl, but I also love beating the crap out of things.

My favourite colour is orange. I also love yellow. Colours are important. Song lyrics sum up my life. I quote them, use them as Tweets (what a weird word), use them in Facebook status, etc.

At one point, I would have said my faith is my life. Now, I'm at a point where I'm recreating my beliefs. I believe there is a God, but I am not sure what He is. I believe there is a greater force out there driving us, but I'm not sure how it lives in our lives. I don't know what I am. I'm not agnostic, I'm not an atheist. I hesitate to use the label "Christain" because it holds such a strong many people.

I'll close my about me with a few song lyrics, as they say what I cannot. I told you I like song lyrics!

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
everything, everything will be just fine
everything, everything will be alright, alright (Jimmy Eat World - The Middle)

"Sometimes I hear my voice and it's be here...
silent all these years." (Tori Amos - Silent All These Years)

Things will get better, this I promise you
you won't feel this way forever
Things will get better, this I promise you (and I know)
Loneliness won't last forever (Spoken - Promise)

There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today (Various parts of RENT by Jonathon Larson)

all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

I'm starting to design a tattoo for my 25th birthday. I want a phoenix and a blackbird, with "you were only waiting for this moment to arise" as text twisting around it. For both birds symbolize a lot to me.

The phoenix - symbolizes how Harry Potter helped me through some dark days of my depression, and there's also the legend of the phoenix. How beauty rises from ashes. How the beauty turns to ashes, but then rebirths into beauty again, arising into beauty.

The blackbird - symbolizes how the Beatles song also helped me through depression, and like the blackbird, I am waiting for my moment to arise. And arise, I will.

I'm arising at my new college.
I'm arising into my dreams.

Lessons Learned Fall '10

1. Windows sucks. Hardcore. It should die a painful, fiery death. Mac and Linux FTW. Apple iPod FTW. Windows FTD (For The Death).
2. Coffee is a friend of mine (I've a friend in coffee).
3. Video games, anime, and manga are the best stress reliever ever.
4. Novel concept: Talk to your professors when a relative dies, you get sick, or you just have the Semester from Hell. Imagine that: they tend to work with you! WOW!
5. Nutella cookies are a flop. They burn. Epically.
6. I have the most amazing friends. They play Smash Brothers with me, they watch anime with me, they put up with my mindless rambling. They make me gluten free care packages, and listen to me whine.
7. When will I learn: never tell God never? Let's recap, Angelique. You told him you'd never move anywhere cold. Check. You're in MINNE FREEZING SOTA. You told him you'd never go to a Christian college. Check. You're at a pretty conserative one at that and considering almost a "flaming evil liberal." And you told him you'd never go into the ministry. HA. Now you're double majoring in youth min and psychology. Learn this, Angelique, never tell God never. Got it? Good.
8. It's easy to love those who are nice to you. It's difficult, yet more rewarding, to love the unlovable.
9. Life is short and time is sweet. Don't put off telling the ones you love that you are there. And that you care.
10. "For when I am weak, then He is strong."