Love in any language, not so spoken here.

I find myself struggling with love. It's such a simple concept, really, but at the same time it's so complex and layered. It's seemingly simple, but also complicated and painful. There are so many Bible verses that speak of love:

"Perfect love casts out all fear. We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not post, it is not proud. blah blah blah" 1 Cor.

And so many more. The Beatles sang that "All you need is love." We need love at the core of our being, it's something we all long and crave for.

But the thing is? Love scares the everliving shit out of me. Imagine being a child, and your father never telling you he loved you. Imagine being a child, and the hands that were supposed to love you wound up hurting you. Imagine it. (This is also why I cannot view God as a father and cannot grasp that theological concept, but that is another blog entry all together).

People who know me know I struggle to tell my friends I love them. Sure, I show it in many ways: I send them small gifts, I send them cards, I write out Bible verses on note cards to encourage them, and so on, and so forth. But to actually say the words "I love you" is SO DIFFICULT.

And I think that is where some of my God struggles come into play: I can't grasp the fact that He loves me so. I can't grasp the fact that I am loved by Him. And it's not that I don't want to be Loved by Him, it's that I don't fully understand fatherly love. At all. Again, the father rant is for another blogpost (likely on 31.10, considering that's my independence day)

Love is so much - and something I crave so deeply. Something my soul yearns for, something my spirit desires.

But I don't understand it,
and it scares me to death.