And now, a rant from your resident Nora

I've been told before that I'm lucky to be on Medicaid. While I don't deny that it has it's benefits, do any of the people having any idea of the hell I face?

In order not to have chronic nausea, I require a medication that costs over 2 grand a month. I don't get it.
In order to not have chronic pain, that would run nearly 200 a month. Instead of paying for that, they pay for trigger point injections, acupuncture, physical therapy, and more. When if they just paid for the damn medication, it would be cheaper.
They denied my spacer for my asthma inhalers. 30 bucks. Complete with rude pharmacy tech who got snippy with me when I told her I couldn't pay today.

I'm filing an appeal for my CT scan. If it's denied, it's over $1,000. Why did I have it? To make sure that the rods from the back surgery that we had to FIGHT to get covered, hadn't shifted. Yet, oh no, it's not "medically necessary."

I can't get the cough medicine I need to sleep some nights. It's only $35.

I don't have the money laying around to cover these meds. I go without medical treatment that I need, just like everyone else does. Just like the people who have "good" insurance, I go without.

Just because I'm on welfare doesn't mean that I get everything handed to me on a silver platter, which many seem to think. I still fight for my medical needs, and yes, I go without.

Don't just judge me because I'm on welfare. I don't have it easy, either.

Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow

I miss the Christmases of my childhood. Since moving to Minnesota, I have not been to a single Christmas Eve service. Something has come up every single year and I haven't gone. I've spend them with friend's families every year. But oh... sometimes I miss the traditions of childhood.

I miss my childhood tree ornaments. I miss eating a shrimp ring on Christmas Eve. I miss my grandfather heckling me on Christmas Day. I miss playing with my new toys on Christmas morning.

It's hard, I guess, and a part of growing up.

Do not go gently in that good night

I'm gonna walk with my granddaddy,
and I'll match him step for step
And I'll tell him how I've missed him every minute since he's left
and then I'll hug his neck

Pawpaw's birthday was yesterday, and I forgot it. I'm an awful, awful granddaughter. I feel awful because he was the most important man in my life, and I loved him dearly. I still miss him. I still grieve him. And how could I forget his birthday? My grandma's (dad's mom, not Pawpaw's bride) was December 5th. She'll be gone 16 years come January 27.

Funnily enough, my Mawmaw and my Grandpa Dale had the same birthday, only one year apart. That's pretty cool.

I miss my grandparents. I hate being only 24 and that my grandparents died in 1975, 1996, 2006, and 2010. It's a weird, hallowing feeling that they're gone. And in some ways, I'm angry and bitter about it. In some ways, I feel bad for sometimes forgetting dates like the day they were born or the day they died. I know, I've been swamped with school, finals, and health stuff and they wouldn't want me to be held up. And I just feel so lonely... so lonely. My grandparents are gone. My future husband will never meet my grandparents or my parents. I'm left alone. And it sucks.

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase...

One December, bright and clear

For the longest time, the month of December has sucked. It's always been a hard month. Various things have happened in December over the past 6 years, and it's just an incredibly difficult month. I last saw my father that December morning, 6 years ago (I moved out on October 31, but I last saw him in December). 5 years ago, I was in the psych ward over December. Various things happened over the years, and December just seems to be the month when the shit always hits the fan.

Christmas holds a lot of painful memories. And it's hard to have a "good" Christmas in spite of all that, in spite of all the pain and anger that also happens over the holiday season.



"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
let your heart be light,
next year all our troubles will be far away...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
make the Yulitude gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away

Once again, as in golden days,
happy golden days of old
Faithful friends that are dear to us,
Will be dear to us once more

Some day soon, we all will be together
If the fates allow,
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

I know that Christmas will always be difficult. I know that I won't be spending it with my biological family, and, well, that sucks. There's no sugar-coated, candy-frosted way to say it, it sucks. But until the day when I'm able to accept things, until the day where I spread my wings and fly, I can allow myself to have a "Merry Little Christmas" until then.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep

December 3, 2004.
3:43 AM Eastern Standard Time

"sometimes, i just want to give up. i just want to scream. and cry. just to avoid the look in people's eyes. just to avoid the look in people's eyes. it's why i hate talking to people, you see the pity in their eyes, not only pity, but concern, but love...

Did I say I hate love? I really don't know. I hate pity. I have having people worried about me, and concerned. And love...it almost scares me. I'm not talking about a boyfriend "oh my gosh you're so cute" love, or a grandmotherly "I want to squish you" love, I mean a more of..compassion? a more of I care about you, Angelique love. and in a way, it does scare me. having people love me. having people care about me. That honestly is a scary thing, because if I screw up, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care. If I show them how much I'm hurting, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care.

and it's just...I don't know. I don't even know anything anymore. Well, I know stuff, saying I don't know anything is like saying a fish doesn't know how to swim. and I just want to break down. and let someone hold me, and let me tell them what all has been eating at me. and it just seems...like I can't. like there's a wall.

And I know I've always been one to build up walls. I've built up walls for so long, I don't know if there's anyway to tear them down."
****
I wrote this 7 years ago. I was 17, homeschooled, and still living with my father. This was before all the shit hit the fan.

I wonder the same thing this days about love. And walls. Do I put up walls to protect myself, or do I put them up to protect the ones I love? Do I really love? Love still scares me so much. To allow myself to be loved, and allow myself to love. To be that vulnerable, that open, that free with someone. I don't know that I can allow myself to do that... and it scares me because I almost like my walls. They're not the best for me, but they're safe.

How do I tear down and allow myself to be vulnerable?