It's a brand new day and the sun is high

I was kind of lame and didn't even make it until midnight for the first time in several years. Um, oops. Oh well. I hope that lameness doesn't last into the new year. ;)

I like to reflect on New Years, and what all went down in the previous year. I transferred out of a school that was a living hell for me and I had back surgery. People I loved died. My mom, whom I have virtually no contact with, got diagnosed with a form of cancer. I had many health struggles and many friendship difficulties. I got my official eating disorder DX. I've been fighting my insurance. So much has hit the fan this year.

I made new friends, made other friendships stronger, and lost some friendships. But I did learn many things this past year:

1. To quote the Fray: "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."
2. Sometimes, we have to man up (woman up) and do what is emotionally painful and has dire consequences, just because it's the right thing.
3. We shouldn't let petty fights end friendships that one were once beautiful, because life is fragile and we don't know when that person will die. Petty fights aren't worth being immature over.
4. I'm learning more about cooking gluten free food. Sometimes it tastes awesome and I make seconds, other times it tastes awful and I have to choke it down. ;)
5. Sometimes, taking a scary plunge into a new horizon is the best possible choice.






Old stuff: some old NYE/New Year's Day Posts:

December 31, 2005:
"2005. It's almost over.

I'm filled with memories by it. Some good, some bad. This year is one to remember, for sure. My entire life changed this year. Everything changed. Is there a better hope for next year? Is there a better life next year? I hope so.

I mean, this year, I turned 18. Of course, it wasn't the best birthday, I can only hope my birthday in 2006 will be better. I changed schools, I moved, so much changed.

Will two thousand and six be better?"

January 1, 2006:

"Sometimes I wish it was easier. I wish I could just trust in God. I wish I could just love Him, but I don't know that I can. I don't know what I want with my life anymore.

I don't know what I want to do. I don't know where I want to turn. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know what to do with all these feelings bubbling up inside of me.

I don't know what to do with this bitterness. I don't know what to do with this hatred. I don't know what to do with this pain, what to turn it into, what to channel it to.

I don't know what to do with this feeling of not being good enough. I don't know what to do with thse memories. I can't just shove them aside, after all.

I don't know what to do with the past. I don't know what to do with it. I know I need to learn from it, but I don't know what to do with it. I just don't know anything anymore.

I don't know where I need to turn. I don't know what I need to do. I just know..that I need help."

2012, please don't suck.

Dear 2012,
Please kick my ass and make up for all the crapiness I dumped.
Love, 2011.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep

December 3, 2004.
3:43 AM Eastern Standard Time

"sometimes, i just want to give up. i just want to scream. and cry. just to avoid the look in people's eyes. just to avoid the look in people's eyes. it's why i hate talking to people, you see the pity in their eyes, not only pity, but concern, but love...

Did I say I hate love? I really don't know. I hate pity. I have having people worried about me, and concerned. And love...it almost scares me. I'm not talking about a boyfriend "oh my gosh you're so cute" love, or a grandmotherly "I want to squish you" love, I mean a more of..compassion? a more of I care about you, Angelique love. and in a way, it does scare me. having people love me. having people care about me. That honestly is a scary thing, because if I screw up, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care. If I show them how much I'm hurting, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care.

and it's just...I don't know. I don't even know anything anymore. Well, I know stuff, saying I don't know anything is like saying a fish doesn't know how to swim. and I just want to break down. and let someone hold me, and let me tell them what all has been eating at me. and it just seems...like I can't. like there's a wall.

And I know I've always been one to build up walls. I've built up walls for so long, I don't know if there's anyway to tear them down."
****
I wrote this 7 years ago. I was 17, homeschooled, and still living with my father. This was before all the shit hit the fan.

I wonder the same thing this days about love. And walls. Do I put up walls to protect myself, or do I put them up to protect the ones I love? Do I really love? Love still scares me so much. To allow myself to be loved, and allow myself to love. To be that vulnerable, that open, that free with someone. I don't know that I can allow myself to do that... and it scares me because I almost like my walls. They're not the best for me, but they're safe.

How do I tear down and allow myself to be vulnerable?

After all this time? Always.

It's been five years since my grandfather died. Five years this past August. And I still miss him. I miss him I miss him I miss him. He was the closest thing to a father I had. I recently found this piece I wrote sometime in 2007. Maybe it was an essay. Maybe it was a monologue. I have no clue what it was, but I feel that it's something I want on my blog so here it is.

A Ladybug's Lament - written summer 2007.
It's been nearly a year since you lost the war. Times flies faster than what you expect, and the pain is still as strong. Although the war was lost, the battle was won. You were strong - a trooper, a warrior, a soldier.

You always kept your morale high. Even when you were at your sickest, you'd still have the strength to tease me. You'd always have something to say to make me laugh. You might of never said the words “I love you” to me, but you did it without speaking.

You are my inspiration. You were always humble; you always had something good to say about people. When I think about giving up in this world, I think about you and how you didn't give up. I remind myself of how you were a fighter - and that is what I want to be.

I can't believe it's been so long. Do you have any idea how many lives you touched with your gentle sense of humor and your loving ways? You had a way of touching every life you came in contact with. You touched the doctors who treated you and you touched the family who loved you. You touched those who just stopped in to say hello.

I have always been told that home is where the heart is. However, my heart is broken because you're not here to make it “home” anymore. You always fixed things for me when I was little. Can you fix my heart this time?

You're in a better place, and I rejoice for that. You no longer have the chains of cancer pulling you down. Are you turning cartwheels down the golden streets? I always longed to be able to do a cartwheel. Will you do a few for me? One day, I'll join you. Together, we'll terrorize the angels and swing on the pearly gates. We'll be united again, and you can torment me once more.

Every time I see a ladybug, I think of you. I know when I see a ladybug somewhere, that you're there watching me. I know it is your way of saying you are still here with me. Even though you're gone, your spirit still lives on inside of those ladybugs. I don't believe in reincarnation. However, I have to wonder as I see those ladybugs if it is not actually you. Perhaps you are simply sending them from Heaven, as a sign that you are okay. They are a sign that you are still thinking of me, your “little maple leaf.”

“It don't matter where you bury me, I am home and I am free. It don't matter where I lay, all my tears be washed away.” (Jars of Clay, “All My Tears”). I often feel bad that we couldn't provide a better burial for you. We gave you what we had. I feel bad that there's not a proper tombstone at your grave. These trivial things don't matter in the big spectrum. Are you crying now? I'm crying as I'm writing this. When I greet you again, will you wash away my tears the way Jesus is washing away your tears now?

You are free, Pawpaw. You are no longer fighting the battle against cancer. You are truly an inspiration. You are truly the one I will always weep for. You are the one man who will always hold a place in my heart. You are my hero - I love you.