How ironic. Part of what I'm currently struggling with in Christianity, is right here in front of me. Aye yi yi. I had this convo with my friend Nick a few times. We both suffered from extreme physical ailments, and both lived in constant pain. Nick was one of the strongest Christians I was ever blessed to know. I wish we hadn't had those fights last summer, and I wish he hadn't died this summer. Because I would love to make up, I would love to discuss this stuff with him. But one song he introduced me to (and was also at his funeral) was a song by Chris Tomlin: "And I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain."
Carry forth on to Luther!
" I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my limbs, my reason, and all my senses," (SC, Article 1).
Honestly? I take issue with this. Quite a bit of issue, actually. Fine. God created me. But he created me faulty. When I complained about this as a child, I was told "God don't make junk" and that "all things work together for His glory". All fine and good and well, I suppose. But when I suffer from so many ailments, I can't help but wonder if I somehow got overlooked. I think this is the one aspect of Christianity I struggle with the most. God created me, my limbs, eyes, etc. And these things don't work right and as each day goes on, fall more and more apart. And it's a struggle, because there's so much pain in it. I hope that one day I can grow to accept it, and that I can find God in the midst of my pain. But right now? I cannot.
"For here we see how the Father has given Himself to us, together with all creatures, and has most richly provided for us in this life, besides that He has overwhelmed us with unspeakable, eternal treasures by His Son and the Holy Ghost, as we shall hear." (LC, Article 1, num 24)
I suppose this blog post isn't very uplifting. I try to have one uplifting part, but I'm sick and struggling right now, so it's just not there. I struggle with the fact that "God has provided" when I struggle to make ends meet. When I make my small amount of money I get a month get all the things I need: food, bills, medicine, laundry, etc. I know that at the end of the day all my needs are met, but the stress that goes through making sure they are all is difficult. And even though I know there are eternal treasures in store, I still struggle to believe.
Heh. Slightly depressing post this time, but I guess it happens at times. Such is life.
Author Reflections:
Kinda odd how I keep looping back to the subject of struggling with how God made me. Guess he's trying to teach me something, eh? Guess this is something I need to learn. Guess it's something that's really hitting me lately. That's okay. Maybe I'll learn and accept it, or maybe it's something I'll always struggle with. I think it's perfectly okay to not always have the answers as much as we may want them.
17.9.11
wake me up when september ends.
I sometimes find myself wishing that life had turned out differently for me. I know, I know, it's useless to dwell on things I cannot change. But how different would things be if I could see better? If I wasn't dysgraphic? If I could walk normally? If I didn't have NF? If I didn't have PTSD?
How different would things be? In some ways, all these things have given me a great appreciation for life. But at the same time, it hurts and it's raw and it's painful. I just want to be normal.
Oh, I have my moments of normal where I play on the playground like a little kid, where I play Pokemon and Zelda, where I watch cheesy movies. But at the same time, I feel very broken, very incomplete.
This isn't a new struggle, it's ongoing for the past 10+ years. It doesn't help that each year my medical list seems to grow more and more. I'm tired of it, already. I'm tired of my vision deteriorating. I'm tired of my mobility getting worse. I'm just sick of it, okay?!
But there isn't an answer. There isn't an answer to why I was chosen for this path, or why this path chose me. There isn't an answer to some of my faith questions, some of my faith struggles, some of my pain and heartbreak.
August-November is a weird time for it. It was August, 2006 (5 years ago now, wow) that my grandfather died. It was October, 2005 (6 years ago), that I gained my independence day (that's another blog entry, though). It was November of last year that my grandmother died. September is always a living hell, between my health going to crap, getting settled into the swing of school, et al. But it was in September of 2005 that I knew what I had to do with my father. Little did I know it would turn into the most painful and difficult decision of my life. Little did I know that one decision would shatter my faith in the church, ruin friendships, and completely break my heart. I think The Fray said it well:
"We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
There's so much. So much packed into this season of late summer/early fall, that just brings pain and heartache. And then, once again, the fall turns into autumn. And the outside mirrors my heart: cold, frozen, and waiting for the Spring thaw that seems like it will never come.
How different would things be? In some ways, all these things have given me a great appreciation for life. But at the same time, it hurts and it's raw and it's painful. I just want to be normal.
Oh, I have my moments of normal where I play on the playground like a little kid, where I play Pokemon and Zelda, where I watch cheesy movies. But at the same time, I feel very broken, very incomplete.
This isn't a new struggle, it's ongoing for the past 10+ years. It doesn't help that each year my medical list seems to grow more and more. I'm tired of it, already. I'm tired of my vision deteriorating. I'm tired of my mobility getting worse. I'm just sick of it, okay?!
But there isn't an answer. There isn't an answer to why I was chosen for this path, or why this path chose me. There isn't an answer to some of my faith questions, some of my faith struggles, some of my pain and heartbreak.
August-November is a weird time for it. It was August, 2006 (5 years ago now, wow) that my grandfather died. It was October, 2005 (6 years ago), that I gained my independence day (that's another blog entry, though). It was November of last year that my grandmother died. September is always a living hell, between my health going to crap, getting settled into the swing of school, et al. But it was in September of 2005 that I knew what I had to do with my father. Little did I know it would turn into the most painful and difficult decision of my life. Little did I know that one decision would shatter my faith in the church, ruin friendships, and completely break my heart. I think The Fray said it well:
"We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
There's so much. So much packed into this season of late summer/early fall, that just brings pain and heartache. And then, once again, the fall turns into autumn. And the outside mirrors my heart: cold, frozen, and waiting for the Spring thaw that seems like it will never come.
13.9.11
oh heart of mine, come back home
I don't have a lot of profound thoughts, or even lyrics for this one. Sorry, folks!
Correlation to Luther’s comments on the Creed may be noted (SC 2:1 –6)
1. I believe that God has made me and all that exists,
2. The Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel
If I may be brutally honest, I struggle with this. It's a concept of Christianity I just can't grasp. OK, so God created me. Great. It's in the Apostle's creed, it's in the Bible. But as a disabled person, I don't understand it. And to be frank, it's one of my major beefs with Christianity. Many times in the Bible God and Jesus are portrayed as divine Healer, the great Physician. So if they are so great, why can't I walk without a limp? Why do I spend every single day of my life in immense pain, often some days to the point where I can't haul myself out of bed? And so, how can I be a witness? I mean, I've been taught since I was a kid that I'm to lead others to Christ. Point them toward the ways of truth. I just can't fathom. If he made me, why did he make me like THIS? Why did he give me such a messed up family structure? He created me and all things that exist, why couldn't He have created things a LITTLE BIT BETTER for me? How can I tell someone that all things are by him, though him, and for him, and that he ordains all things for His glory, when so much just, well, sucks?
"“Sacrament” is a Biblical reality though it is not a Biblical word."
This is something that I honestly didn't know. It's interesting, how we are taught many Biblical concepts, but those exact words aren't actually IN the Bible. That we have this stuff hammered into us, but in reality it's slightly different. Interesting.
Author Comments:
Reflecting. I sense that there's a lot of bitterness towards God and my disabilities that I didn't quite realize. I guess I act like it's not big deal, when in reality it's tearing my apart. And I learned about the sacrament thing, so I guess that's good??
Correlation to Luther’s comments on the Creed may be noted (SC 2:1 –6)
1. I believe that God has made me and all that exists,
2. The Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel
If I may be brutally honest, I struggle with this. It's a concept of Christianity I just can't grasp. OK, so God created me. Great. It's in the Apostle's creed, it's in the Bible. But as a disabled person, I don't understand it. And to be frank, it's one of my major beefs with Christianity. Many times in the Bible God and Jesus are portrayed as divine Healer, the great Physician. So if they are so great, why can't I walk without a limp? Why do I spend every single day of my life in immense pain, often some days to the point where I can't haul myself out of bed? And so, how can I be a witness? I mean, I've been taught since I was a kid that I'm to lead others to Christ. Point them toward the ways of truth. I just can't fathom. If he made me, why did he make me like THIS? Why did he give me such a messed up family structure? He created me and all things that exist, why couldn't He have created things a LITTLE BIT BETTER for me? How can I tell someone that all things are by him, though him, and for him, and that he ordains all things for His glory, when so much just, well, sucks?
"“Sacrament” is a Biblical reality though it is not a Biblical word."
This is something that I honestly didn't know. It's interesting, how we are taught many Biblical concepts, but those exact words aren't actually IN the Bible. That we have this stuff hammered into us, but in reality it's slightly different. Interesting.
Author Comments:
Reflecting. I sense that there's a lot of bitterness towards God and my disabilities that I didn't quite realize. I guess I act like it's not big deal, when in reality it's tearing my apart. And I learned about the sacrament thing, so I guess that's good??
12.9.11
There is a Redeemer, Jesus, God's own Son.
"Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it! Redeemed by the blood of the lamb! Redeemed through His infinitive mercy, His child and forever I am!"
To fully understand redemption, I think we need a good, solid definition for redemption. For me, an avid video gaming, redeeming is merely trading in your points or coins, and you get something better. Now, I'm quite certain that Martin Luther didn't sit around playing Final Fantasy, so clearly he is going for something else:
According to dictionary.com, there are nine ways to define "redeemed", but we are going with this one:
"to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner."
Galatians 3: 12-14 But the law is not based on faith; instead, the one who does these things will live by them. Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, because it is written: Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. The purpose was that the blessing of Abraham would come to the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, so that we could receive the promise of the Spirit through faith. (HCSB)
What does this mean? It means that Christ, the beloved son of God, redeemed us. Not through points, not through coins, but through His own life and blood. "And when I think, that God, his Son, not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it. And on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, bled and died to take away my sins." It means that God loved us enough to do something that would break most (I won't say every) parent's hearts: He gave up His own son and watched Him suffer. Can you imagine? Think of the most important person in your life, and imaging having to give them up... but yet, you know you have the power to make it stop. You have the power to stop their pain, and they have the power to say the word and it will stop. But this is the answer. Can you imagine? This is the way that God redeemed us!
1 Peter 1:18-19 For you know that you were redeemed from your empty way of life inherited from the fathers, not with perishable things, like silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without defect or blemish.
Jesus was the perfect lamb. He was sinless, pure, and innocent. And that is why this redemption "worked", why this payment was enough. This is how this payment was able to meet the price, and redeem our souls.
To fully understand redemption, I think we need a good, solid definition for redemption. For me, an avid video gaming, redeeming is merely trading in your points or coins, and you get something better. Now, I'm quite certain that Martin Luther didn't sit around playing Final Fantasy, so clearly he is going for something else:
According to dictionary.com, there are nine ways to define "redeemed", but we are going with this one:
"to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner."
Galatians 3: 12-14 But the law is not based on faith; instead, the one who does these things will live by them. Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, because it is written: Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree. The purpose was that the blessing of Abraham would come to the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, so that we could receive the promise of the Spirit through faith. (HCSB)
What does this mean? It means that Christ, the beloved son of God, redeemed us. Not through points, not through coins, but through His own life and blood. "And when I think, that God, his Son, not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it. And on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, bled and died to take away my sins." It means that God loved us enough to do something that would break most (I won't say every) parent's hearts: He gave up His own son and watched Him suffer. Can you imagine? Think of the most important person in your life, and imaging having to give them up... but yet, you know you have the power to make it stop. You have the power to stop their pain, and they have the power to say the word and it will stop. But this is the answer. Can you imagine? This is the way that God redeemed us!
1 Peter 1:18-19 For you know that you were redeemed from your empty way of life inherited from the fathers, not with perishable things, like silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without defect or blemish.
Jesus was the perfect lamb. He was sinless, pure, and innocent. And that is why this redemption "worked", why this payment was enough. This is how this payment was able to meet the price, and redeem our souls.
11.9.11
But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom
As a child, I was taught the Apostle's Creed. I am completely rubbish at memorizing things (all these years later, I STILL don't know the order of all the books of the Bible!) and didn't know it in full until I learned the song "Creed" by Rich Mullins. I can now recite it (mostly).
"purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil, not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death" (Apostle's Creed, A2 SC-BoC)
It really echoes the words of the old hymn: "Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the folds of God! He to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood!" It's a strange concept to grasp, though, and I admit, it some ways I still grapple with it. How could I put bought with BLOOD? It's rather gory, to think about it. Why couldn't God, being almighty and powerful, choose a different way to redeem us? He's God. Why did He choose such a gruesome way to redeem us, with two slabs of wood and sharp nails? I struggle with it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I've been taught it's the ultimate display of love, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why this was chosen to be such a profound display of love.
"It is this, that He has redeemed me from sin, from the devil, from death, and all evil. For before I had no Lord nor King, but was captive under the power of the devil, condemned to death, enmeshed in sin and blindness. "(Apostle's Creed, A2, Num27, LC-BoC)
This sounds exactly like Romans 8:38-39, because before Christ, all these things could hold us captive. Death, sin, darkness, death, could all separate us. But now, as in the words of the song "In Christ Alone" states "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till he returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand." It's one of those things I know, logically and intellectually, but have difficulty applying to my life. It doesn't make it any less right or wrong, true or untrue. But yet... for those who believe, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. That you have been redeemed,redeemed from all the darkness. Before, you were condemned to a life of hopelessness, but now, you can have of life of hope.
"purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil, not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death" (Apostle's Creed, A2 SC-BoC)
It really echoes the words of the old hymn: "Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the folds of God! He to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood!" It's a strange concept to grasp, though, and I admit, it some ways I still grapple with it. How could I put bought with BLOOD? It's rather gory, to think about it. Why couldn't God, being almighty and powerful, choose a different way to redeem us? He's God. Why did He choose such a gruesome way to redeem us, with two slabs of wood and sharp nails? I struggle with it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I've been taught it's the ultimate display of love, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why this was chosen to be such a profound display of love.
"It is this, that He has redeemed me from sin, from the devil, from death, and all evil. For before I had no Lord nor King, but was captive under the power of the devil, condemned to death, enmeshed in sin and blindness. "(Apostle's Creed, A2, Num27, LC-BoC)
This sounds exactly like Romans 8:38-39, because before Christ, all these things could hold us captive. Death, sin, darkness, death, could all separate us. But now, as in the words of the song "In Christ Alone" states "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till he returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand." It's one of those things I know, logically and intellectually, but have difficulty applying to my life. It doesn't make it any less right or wrong, true or untrue. But yet... for those who believe, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. That you have been redeemed,redeemed from all the darkness. Before, you were condemned to a life of hopelessness, but now, you can have of life of hope.
3.9.11
All To Him I Owe
"And when before the throne, I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save, my lips shall still repeat...
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin have left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow...
Oh praise the one who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead."
It's weird that I've been listening to this song a lot lately, because I'm not sure what I believe. I want to believe something. Heck, one of my majors is even ministry based! So, logic says I should believe. I should know what I believe in if I want to major in it!
I'm taking a theology class now, and I must say I'm struggling. I have so many questions about God! So many questions about Jesus! So many what, why, when, how... they swamp my mind and I'm swimming in them. Struggles. Real, intense struggles. Trapped.
And are there even answers to my questions? Or are there just questions?
Jesus died my soul to save, my lips shall still repeat...
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin have left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow...
Oh praise the one who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead."
It's weird that I've been listening to this song a lot lately, because I'm not sure what I believe. I want to believe something. Heck, one of my majors is even ministry based! So, logic says I should believe. I should know what I believe in if I want to major in it!
I'm taking a theology class now, and I must say I'm struggling. I have so many questions about God! So many questions about Jesus! So many what, why, when, how... they swamp my mind and I'm swimming in them. Struggles. Real, intense struggles. Trapped.
And are there even answers to my questions? Or are there just questions?
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