Won't be be odd to be happy like we always thought we're supposed to feel but never seem to

I kind of haven't updated since the semester ended. Before I write an actual entry, in summery: I failed algebra, the injections didn't work in my back and I meet with my back surgeon on July 12 to discuss plan B, I am still seeing my therapist on Wednesday afternoons. Not much else going on, really. Trying to hang out with friends as I can so I don't totally isolate. I survived father's day, which is always an accomplishment even though I do generally tear up and break down a few times. I've been watching a lot of Hardcore Pawn, Big Bang Theory, Toddlers and Tiaras, and Pawn Stars. My birthday is Sunday and I'll turn 25. That's pretty badass right there, I do declare. I've reinstalled Windows 7, set up my Ubuntu dualboot, and played a lot of Final Fantasy and Pokemon.

I'm still at that point where I've gotten so good at keeping every out. It's kind of funny because sometimes I am so good at keeping everyone on the outside thinking everything is going swell that I sometimes fool myself. Truth is I'm lying if I think they think that things are going right, I'm not that great of an actress. I do have real fun times and legitimate good times. But at the same time... operation “keep everyone out and slowly sabotage myself” is going full force.

“Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves all of all these demons haunting us to keep us to keep us company?” - Barenaked Ladies, from their song War on Drugs. In some ways it's terrifying because I've been using the same coping skills for as long as I can remember. No one said they were good coping skills, but sometimes we need not the best coping skills at the time until we are able to equip ourselves with better coping skills. The trick is to learn the better skills, and equip ourselves with them.

I'm often scared, though. I'm often downright terrified. I'm scared I won't beat these demons. I'm scared I won't beat these skeletons in my closet. Yes, I can see how far I've come but at the same time I see how far I've yet to go. While the song “Here I Am To Worship” no longer makes me flee the building, “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns still makes me flip out into inconsolable sobs. While my father's birthday is barely a blip on my radar, things like Father's Day can still cause me to mourn what I never had and get bitter at what I did have. While I haven't cut in quite some time, it doesn't mean I don't hurt myself in other ways. As you can see, even by going through this here blog, I've come so far and yet I still have so far to go. And that's just emotionally.

I still have the NF1. I still have two rods in my back that corrected the scoliosis but not the chronic pain in my back. I still have a loose screw in my back and am facing the possibility of having the fusion augmented. While I finally have my migraine medications regulated to the point where my migraines are under control, now there are other medications to regulate. And once that is done, there will be another. And then there will be more medication questions to answer. Do I let them put me on highly addictive, appetite-suppressant ADD meds, in hopes that I can do better in school but possibly lead me down a dangerous road? It seems for every step I take forward, I take two more steps back and that I'm never going to fully recover. It just seems like a whole cycle of things. Once one aspect of health is under control, it's onto another. It's kind of annoying, really.

Nothing else to say, really. Nothing else of note. I'm just struggling I guess, and felt like being raw? Heh. It's so easy to be open and raw and let things out on a blog when I'm behind a screen but plop me in front of a friend and it's harder to open up. I burrow deeper inside myself and the walls get thrown right back up.