I kind of haven't updated since the
semester ended. Before I write an actual entry, in summery: I failed
algebra, the injections didn't work in my back and I meet with my
back surgeon on July 12 to discuss plan B, I am still seeing my
therapist on Wednesday afternoons. Not much else going on, really.
Trying to hang out with friends as I can so I don't totally isolate.
I survived father's day, which is always an accomplishment even
though I do generally tear up and break down a few times. I've been
watching a lot of Hardcore Pawn, Big Bang Theory, Toddlers and
Tiaras, and Pawn Stars. My birthday is Sunday and I'll turn 25.
That's pretty badass right there, I do declare. I've reinstalled
Windows 7, set up my Ubuntu dualboot, and played a lot of Final
Fantasy and Pokemon.
I'm still at that point where I've
gotten so good at keeping every out. It's kind of funny because
sometimes I am so good at keeping everyone on the outside thinking
everything is going swell that I
sometimes fool myself. Truth is I'm lying if I think they think that
things are going right, I'm not that great of an actress. I do have
real fun times and legitimate good times. But at the same time...
operation “keep everyone out and slowly sabotage myself” is
going full force.
“Won't
it be dull when we rid ourselves all of all these demons haunting us
to keep us to keep us company?” - Barenaked Ladies, from their song
War on Drugs. In some ways it's terrifying because I've been using
the same coping skills for as long as I can remember. No one said
they were good coping skills, but sometimes we need not the best
coping skills at the time until we are able to equip ourselves with
better coping skills. The trick is to learn the better skills, and
equip ourselves with them.
I'm
often scared, though. I'm often downright terrified. I'm scared I
won't beat these demons. I'm scared I won't beat these skeletons in
my closet. Yes, I can see how far I've come but at the same time I
see how far I've yet to go. While the song “Here I Am To Worship”
no longer makes me flee the building, “Who Am I” by Casting
Crowns still makes me flip out into inconsolable sobs. While my
father's birthday is barely a blip on my radar, things like Father's
Day can still cause me to mourn what I never had and get bitter at
what I did have. While I haven't cut in quite some time, it doesn't
mean I don't hurt myself in other ways. As you can see, even by going
through this here blog, I've come so far and yet I still have so far
to go. And that's just emotionally.
I
still have the NF1. I still have two rods in my back that corrected
the scoliosis but not the chronic pain in my back. I still have a
loose screw in my back and am facing the possibility of having the
fusion augmented. While I finally have my migraine medications
regulated to the point where my migraines are under control, now
there are other medications to regulate. And once that is done, there
will be another. And then there will be more medication questions to
answer. Do I let them put me on highly addictive,
appetite-suppressant ADD meds, in hopes that I can do better in
school but possibly lead me down a dangerous road? It seems for every
step I take forward, I take two more steps back and that I'm never
going to fully recover. It just seems like a whole cycle of things.
Once one aspect of health is under control, it's onto another. It's
kind of annoying, really.
Nothing
else to say, really. Nothing else of note. I'm just struggling I
guess, and felt like being raw? Heh. It's so easy to be open and raw
and let things out on a blog when I'm behind a screen but plop me in
front of a friend and it's harder to open up. I burrow deeper inside
myself and the walls get thrown right back up.
