you're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care

Over the summer, my awesome, amazing psychiatrist left the clinic. I was turned out to find one on my own. One I found one that was taking new patients and took my insurance, it was December for my intake. My actual psych appointment wasn't until March 4. And then he started me on Cymbalta.

Since then, it's been a living nightmare. My depression gradually got worse. I called when I was supposed to bump it up to 60 mg from 30 mg informing them, they told me to just stick it out. The prior authorization has not been done. Bumping it up to 60 increased my chronic pain and spiraled me so deep into depression I started having suicidal thoughts. Just getting out of bed is currently a struggle.

I saw pain management on Wednesday. They asked how I was tolerating the Cymbalta, I told them it was making my pain and depression worse. I was told that I just *thought* I was more depressed and depressed, because I wasn't acting depressed. That comment, as stupid as I know it was, pushed me further down because I feel like my doctors don't care and don't take me seriously.

It sucks to deal with depression. It sucks to deal with chronic pain. It sucks when both are acting up at the same time, and your damn doctors don't take you seriously. My physical therapist, thank goodness, is looking into getting me pain meds as I scored 71% on the disability index. I need them. But that doesn't help the depression. I am going to go through withdrawl next week, because the prior auth has not been done and the med is FREAKING EXPENSIVE.

I'm scared. I'm really scared. I haven't been this depressed in a long time, and it could be a long ass fight to see a doctor again. He wanted me back in 3-4 weeks, the next opening was TEN WEEKS away. I likely can't find a new one in that period of time. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I hate how this is making me feel,  but when I don't take it I feel fuzzy and out-of-body and weird. But I'm going to have to, because I'm going to have to stop cold turkey. I'm scared of what's going to happen to me. I'm worried about the future.I don't know what's going to happen to me. I'm terrified.


Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

I have a recurring dream. It's the one where I'm diagnosed with cancer. It was worse than usual this time, as it went as far as finding out it was terminal and I starting picking out how I wanted my memorial service being done. I have the cancer dream every now and then, and every time I have it, a bunch of crap hits the fan and everything falls to shreds. It's scary.

It has me really worried. Looking at repeat back surgery, looking at a lupus, RA, or MS diagnosis in the near future, getting hit with three major illnesses this semester so far (influenza twice, and a lovely strep/bronchitis/upper respiratory combo). It has be freaking terrified of what's going to happen next.

I don't know what to do.


I don't remember the first time I felt unbeautiful, the day I chose not to eat

They pull up the chairs to the table,
She looks at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter, her father and mother
She pushes away

And they rise in the morning, and they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart

She gets home from school too early
And closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her, she's weak and she's tired
Of feeling like this

And they rise in the morning, and they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart

They call her for dinner,
She makes up a reason,
She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
And her mother is starting to see through her lies
And last night night her father had tears in his eyes....

And they rise in morning, and they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart

And we rise in the morning, and we sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart
Lisa Loeb, "She's Falling Apart."

This song from 2002  sums up life with an eating disorder well, I think.

Eating disorders, like many other disorders, do not discriminate. Rich and poor, black and white, male and female, it doesn't matter. Eating disorders strike, and they are deadly. EVERYONE CAN SUFFER. Read: This Child

An eating disorder isn't something you have just for a couple weeks, it's something you battle for months, years, for some people - a lifetime.

Want to know some scary facts? You don't have to be underweight to DIE from an eating disorder. That's right. Many people think that if they aren't underweight, they aren't in the danger zones. You think you can stop before it gets out of control, that this is your way of control? One day, what you are controlling will in turn control you.  Eating disorders are not just about food. Lord, if it were it'd be simple, wouldn't it? It's about starving, LITERALLY, for perfection. Starving for control. It can be a form of self injury. You can't wrap eating disorders up with a tidy-little bow.


By the way, if you want to support eating disorder awareness, please consider sponsoring me in the NEDA walk in Minneapolis. In fact, if you live in the Twin Cities metro, please consider joining my team, as well!