She's so nice, naive, and beautiful

Well there's life outside of your madness
and there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place that's restraining you love

- Plumb

I find myself trapped lately. Trapped between extremes.
I can't remember there's something outside this madness, that there's an end,
that there's a solace in sight. That things won't always be like this.
There's hope coming, but when will I find it?


Broken-Hearted Teenager

I'm pulling out some of my younger poetry from, well, when I was younger. It's terribly written, but it's who I was then.

Wednesday, Oct. 03, 2001 - 3:17 p.m.
They tell me to make a Christmas Wish
To wish for whatever I please
And the wish for I want
Gets me down on my knees
I do not wish for money
I do not wish for toys
I do not wish for clothes
Or other little joys
My wish is for my Daddy
For him to take time to think
Before he decides to sip
His achocalic drink

Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2001 - 9:56 p.m.
If you had a choice
Between beer and family
Let me ask you a question-
What would your choice be?

Let me tell you my father's choice
One that brought so much pain
A choice that brought me
Tears that fall like rain

He picked his beer
Over the family
At times I feel
It's more valued then me

How could he pick
His beer over me
Hurt and destory
His whole family?

I'll never understand
I'll never know why
I'll be able to stop
The tears which I cry

If you have that choice-
Please choose your family
Because I come from
Experience, you see.

Monday, Jan. 07, 2002 - 8:45 p.m.

Even though you hear my laugh
You don't know what I hide
For as the joyous sound comes out
Tears are flowing inside

A smile may be on my face
But that smile's a lie
For hidden, deep within
I frankly want to die

I may seem happy
But I am depressed
I may seem joyful
But I am upset

And when the tears
Brim in my eyes
Telling you it's allergies
Is one of my lies

So when you ask me
"How do you do?"
I might not tell
The truth to you

So remember when you see me....
Looks aren't always what lays outside
For with every smile I smile
Another tear I cry

Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2002 - 8:43 p.m.
I sit back and wonder
If I would to die
If anyone would care
If anyone would cry

I sit back and ponder
The meaning of life
Why I was given
All this pain and strife

Friendships fading away
Old friends are gone
Time to pack up
Time to move on

Schoolwork is falling
I'm starting to fail
I'm starting to cry
Starting to wail

Family is shattering
My heart is in two
I'm hiding the pain
In my big eyes of blue

Mabye if I just
Curl up and die
No one will care
No one will cry


I was so broken all those year ago. And I'm so sad I was so lost, so alone.
If only I could go back and tell 14-year-old Nora that it gets better.
That she'll find friends! That she'll find love! That she'll find hope!
That she'll break ties with those asshats, that she'll break FREE of that pain. That she'll still fight with PTSD, ED-NOS, major depression, chronic pain... but she'll find a support system.

And that her life is beautiful.


100 Reasons For Living: Part 2

See part 1 here

11. BACON. Bacon is really, really yummy. It smells good, it tastes good, and HEY IT HAS PROTEIN. PROTEIN IS GOOD.

This little piggy will be my breakfast some day....
12. Psychology. I love studying it, I love learning about it, I love putting it into practice. It drives me, it makes my blood run, and it makes me so happy. Dead people can't study psychology.
13. SCRUBS!!
14. Playing on playgrounds. Pretty sure the kiddies would be creeped out if a corpse went down the slide or if a zombie was swinging...
15. I am loved, I am accepted, I am wanted.
16. I have a story to tell and it hasn't been told yet. Maybe I can cheer people up, inspire people ,leave a legacy with my story.
17. I haven't been overseas yet. Gotta be alive to do that. Well, unless someone drops my ashes out of an airplane crossing the Pacific ocean. But that's kind of morbid.
18. I'm still in college! I need a degree!
19. MARIO!! 
20. Dead people can't ride horses and I want to ride horses again. :D
U ride me, plz?


100 Reasons for Living: Part 1

1. Pokemon. After all, dying before I catch them all would just be depressing, now wouldn't it?
That car is kind of badass.
2. Finally getting my drivers license! It may happen this summer!
3. Getting my own apartment for the first time. With an awesome friend.
4. My friends. They would be very sad pandas if I died suddenly. 
Steph says I can't die until I'm in my 90s. 
5. Video game soundtracks. Seriously. They're beautiful.


wrong way on a one way track

Living with depression fricking sucks.I've found myself trapped lately. Completely trapped. And I don't know the way out. It's like I'm lost, and there's no signs telling me which way to go. It's like I'm sinking in quicksand and although I hold out my hand for help and I fight and I fight to break free, I still find myself sinking. I'm so good at the charade, so good at the facades. I find myself even almost convincing myself that I'm fine because I'm so used to convincing the world that I'm fine, and frankly it's terrifying. It almost feels like I'm drowning. Like I'm trapped. There's no way out of this because I'm just going to fall again, so why bother coming out?

I find myself wondering when I'll be free from pain. When my eyes will work like they should. When my knee will quit buckling. When I'll no longer have back pain. When I'll no longer throw up because I'm in so much pain. When I'll no longer have to base my clothing choices based on how much pain I'm in and can wear what I WANT. When my body will be functional. It's a stupid thing to hope and dream for because my body will never fully heal. I'm stuck living with this broken, mangled body and it sucks.

Will I ever be free of this emotional pain? Will I quit having sensory meltdowns? Will I quit being haunted by nightmares that leave me too exhausted to function? What about the flashbacks? What about the memories? What do I do with them? Why am I forced to relive this pain, this trauma, this agony? It was bad enough that I had to live through all this once - why the hell is my mind cruel enough to make me relive this pain and grief? Wasn't once enough?

Will I ever beat this eating disorder? I hate eating. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how I have to rely on eating to live when I just want to not eat. I almost enjoy the feeling of being hungry because I know I don't deserve food. I know I can't cut at the moment, and so it's a way I can hurt myself. It's something I can control when everything else is spinning wildly out of control and I'm drowning in a downward spiral and I have no other way to control. I find myself looking in the mirror and so badly wanting to lose weight because again, if I can't control so much, I can control the number on the scale. I can shrink down. It can be something, right? It's something I can control, even if the thing I'm feebly trying to control winds up controlling me.

Nick once told me that my coping methods kind of suck. I guess was right.

I'm not fully enjoying things like I used to. I still play video games and stuff, but it's an escape these days. It's not that I enjoy it, per se, but it gives me a break from the reality of my life. It gives me an out. It's something to do. I'm not suicidal, but I find myself wishing that some days I could slip into a comatose state.  Not being alive, but not being dead. Just getting a break from this. Will death be the day I'm finally free of all this stuff, or will I somehow find freedom before then?

I have no idea why I'm posting this. I have no idea why I'm being this raw and vunerable. I'm tired and I'm worn out and I'm here in tears while writing this. People who know me know I don't cry. I'm not a crier. I actually cry so infrequently, so rarely I break down into full sobs. But now I'm going to bed. And will likely wonder tomorrow why the hell I wrote this.

But whatever. I'm broken and unmedicated for ADD, depression, anexity, and sleep. I'll have nightmares again. I won't sleep well. My alarm will go off early-ish so that I can finish working on my math and reading. Cleaning didn't get done today. More to do tomorrow, I  guess.


Chronic Pain Chronicles

Rate your pain on a scale of 1-10 with these really cheesy, not very helpful faces.

 For as long as I can remember, I've lived with chronic pain. I don't know what it's like to live a day without pain. It's so far out of my grasp that I cannot even envision it, I don't remotely know what it would look like. I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia last fall, but I've had the signs pointing to it for years. Interestingly enough, emotional trauma can cause fibro and I can't help but wonder if my childhood played a role in my development of the disorder.

It's hard. Some days, just a simple chore like doing the dishes takes everything out of me, and then the trash still leans against the door to be taken out, the clutter spreads over the floor, and I flop in bed with a n64 controller or a TV remote. It's hard. Some days just crawling out of bed to do a chore as simple as get a glass of water takes every ounce of effort I have.

It gets downright soul-crushing at times to know that all your friends are out having fun and living their lives, yet you are curled up in pain. Your life is on your computer, because being in the real world and interacting with people is far too painful. You ache and you hurt and it's to the point where you just plead with the doctors for a relief from the pain.

What sucks? The relief for my pain is out there. But my insurance refuses to cover it. Living in pain and knowing there are drugs out there to help but you cannot afford them is a real kick in the spirit. I try to keep upbeat and positive about the struggle, hoping maybe this treatment will help, maybe this drug will help. But I'm not Molly Clock from Scrubs, I can't keep rolling with the punches and keep upbeat and happy. 

It takes such a toll on my spirit. And it makes me hurt inside as well as out. I am sick and tired of being 24, and living in chronic pain. I'm sick of it. And I just want relief from it. I don't care if it's a drug, a treatment, a surgery. I don't care what it is anymore - I just want to live pain free for once. Some days I think just one, just one pain free day, completely pain free, would be enough. Just so I know what it's like. Just so I get a taste of what it could possibly feel like to not live like this.

I'd be happy to get the pain down to a tolerable level. I even told my doctor I've given up hope of ever being completely pain free.

But oh, how I wish it were possible.