i don't remember the first time i felt unbeautiful, the day i chose not to eat

It's funny the impact just eating has on me. It's a natural human process. It's something we have to do to survive. And yet, it's something that I struggle with and that tears me apart.

I had a good dinner tonight. Best I've had in quite awhile. And because of that, I'm still awake even though it's 2 am. My brain won't be quiet. Lord knows it's a good thing I ate as my weight is the lowest it's been in years. Lord knows I need the calories and nutrients.  But it's difficult.

I know I've lost weight lately. I know I should care more about getting food into my system. But it's difficult to muster up the willingness to care. It's difficult to get food into me. I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get myself to eat. It's terrifying, really, the way this disorder, this sickness controls me.

I don't want to be this way, but I don't know how to be any other. And frankly, to cross to the other side is terrifying. To recover. To be healed. To be whole. It's kind of a paradox because I don't want to get better yet I want to. I want to yet I don't now how. What if I don't like being healthy? What if I gain too much weight? What if I flip to the other extreme and start eating too much?

And now it's approaching 3. And I still can't sleep. And it's taken me THIS long to write this short of an entry. But why? I don't want to finally meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia, because on one hand while I feel ED-NOS is "not legit", I know it is. I know that you don't have to be severely underweight to die or have serious health effects from an eating disorder.

But at the same thing... it's kind of like a verse in the Bible. "The things I don't want to do I do, the things I want to do I don't." It just feels that I get trapped. Completely Trapped.

And  I don't now what to do. It's hard because I'm having a bad PTSD night. It's well after 3 am, everyone is asleep. Everyone, that is, but me. Because I'm scared to sleep. Because I'm afraid of what will happen if I sleep. Because being scared to sleep as a child is still ingrained in me. because I'm still at my core, terrified.


How do you measure, measure a year

One year ago today I was up at a godawful early hour, getting ready to get my spine fused. Oh look, I took a picture that morning!

Zoe and I were ready to kick some spinal fusion ass.
And in that year, so much has changed. I had issues due to a medication mixup. I still have chronic pain but it's not due to the back, per se, more the NF1. I have a loose screw. 

But what else has changed in that year?

I transferred schools, I got dx'd with fibromalgia. I had family issues, friend issues. Eating disorder has sent me on a roller coaster. But I've grown. Well, literally. Spinal fusion made me taller!

I haz a tall.
I'd write more on my one year date, but I'll do "one year and a few days" later this week. I still have a couple assignments to turn it and then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Free falling, as free as the... nevermind.



Because reason says I should have died three years ago

I am told that it is nothing short of a miracle I am alive, be it by the circumstances of life or be it by my own hand. I am told that many other people in my shoes would be homeless, would be drug addicts, would be drunkards. That I shouldn't be alive due to medicine mixups, ailments, and various things I have.

At the same time, I've been told that if I just had more faith I would be healed. If I just believed I could overcome, things would be better. The truth is, I've accepted things to be the way they are. It doesn't mean I don't channel my energy in recovery. What it does mean is like in the serenity prayer, I accept the things I cannot change and must have the courage to change the things I can.

Oh look, I can climb the twisty thing!
Just because I've accepted my disabilities, I feel, doesn't mean that I've let them pull me down. I've really beaten incredible odds. I've overcome so much. I still have much to overcome. I know that due to genetics my general health will continue to demolish itself. I know that if I try to push myself, believing if I just do a little better I can overcome, I will wind up making things a bazillion times worse. To focus on what I cannot do would be foolish. I can play on playgrounds, I can wade in the water. I can take walks. I can so much! Why pull myself down by  bashing myself?

I can play in the water!
I can't control what my father did in the past and I can't deny the impact it has with me today. I can control how I choose to act on the result. I can't control the fact that I'm disabled for likely life, but I can choose to accept it and make the best of my life, no matter how long or short it is. The important thing is that I keep on keeping on, and instead, continue to defy odds. Continue to shoot down the ones who say I can't make it. You know what? I may not make it in the traditional sense. But it doesn't mean I have to give up hope, that I have to quit at life. Instead, it fuels me to go forward, propels me to keep swimming (even though, well, I can't swim) and gives me a reason to survive.

And if you care to find me, look towards the western sky
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free
To those who ground me take a message back from me!
Tell them how I'm defying gravity, I'm flying high, defying gravity...
Wicked - "Defying Gravity."


I only know it hurts, to see my only friend slowly fade away

Sometimes the internet sucks.

I love the Internet. It's awesome. It's amazing. It lets me talk to people when I'm in pain and when I've lost my voice. I've made friendships that I wouldn't have otherwise. But at the same time...

I think there are few things more heartbreaking then being so far away and not being able to help a friend. I think there's few things more difficult then wanting, so badly just to be there but being miles, oceans, lakes, whatever away.

I have a fixer-upper personality. I want to fix my friends problems. I want to take their mind off things. But it tears me apart not to be able to help. I want to help my friends that are hurting! I want to make things right!

The internet keeps us connected, but at the same time it completely breaks my heart. I'm glad I can 'listen' via MSN and AIM and Facebook...

... but how do I help when I'm so far away and so helpless? *thud*

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won't have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

Casting Crowns - Prayer For A Friend