"This is the church, this is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people!"
I was taught that rhyme as a child, and we'd often do it in Sunday School. It's a simple little hand game, but it's kinda cool because no matter where you go, where you are, you can make a church with your hands. And in the same way, no matter where you go, where you are - you can be the church.
“What is the Church?” All those in whom the Holy Ghost
through the means of grace has worked faith in Christ constitute
an association or gathering, which we call the Church,” Koehler,
Summary of Christian Doctrine, 210.
I think we often think of church as the building we go to sunday mornings. It's true, this is one part of church. But yet it's like the verse in Scriptures: Where two or three are gathered in my name, then there I am. I think in some ways, especially when we've been wounded by the church, we hold a grunge against them and don't want to be involved. However, the church is those who gather in His name. While there's nothing wrong with the physical church, it's certainly not the only time.
This work is in process,
partial, growing, as Jesus works his salvation out in our lives, defeating
sin, death, and Satan in their death throes.
This really stuck out to me. It's kinda like a caterpillar - it's complete, yes, but it still has to become a butterfly. It has to go through the process of metamorphosis. As humans, we are constantly going through metamorphism. It doesn't change when we become the butterfly, though, for we are always changing and growing and learning.
Author Reflection
It helps me to realize that the church isn't just a church and a group of fallen people, but a community of believers. It helps me to realize that I'm a work in progress. And you string those two together - the church is a work in progress, always growing, always changing. Really neat thought.
27.9.11
26.9.11
And my wounds will be made whole
"Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Cor 6:11 (NLT)
Cleansed, holy, made right. I think it's something we all long for, in some way or another. Even, I think, the most non religious, non spiritual person out there longs to be made right in some way, shape, or form. Perhaps not in the way that a Christian longs, but I think it's a longing within all of us. We long for things to be "right". I know, for me, I long for things to be right: I long to have a family instead of fending for myself and building my own out of friends. I long to not have to poor over ever food label making sure there's not something in it that my body will read as poison and make me incredibly ill. Of course, this isn't quite the "making right" that is being referred to here, but it helps me to put things in real word terms, so maybe it will help others. However, God will make us right in other ways. Maybe not now, and it's a continuing process, but as we call upon His precious name, he cleanses us (Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crismon stain, He washed it white as snow) and makes us new. He makes us right in His eyes, our faults and all.
And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. John 10:16 (ESV)
You know, the whole one church concept has always been hard for me to grasp. I've been around in churches. I was raised Nazarene. When my parents split, I went to a Methodist church, then an independent Baptist church, then back to Methodist with my mother, and another Nazarene church with my father. By high school, my mom was back in the Methodist church and my Father was at a Church of Christ. After my faith was completely shattered in the church due to a tragic, unfortunate experience, I pulled away from the church. I've been around the block since then with different church experiences and different sets of doctrine, and so the fact that they all intermingle together into one church in God's eyes is hard to grasp. I don't think it's bad, per se, that it's hard to grasp, but I do think what we go though in life impacts how we grasp and read the Bible. I do think it's cool, though, that despite all my struggles in the church, it's all one body, one flesh, one blood of Believers.
And so we know God's word applies to our life today, and God has a lot to say in His book...
(Author Comments)
Um, excuse my brief Veggietales moment. God loves His church, and views it is one. It's one of those things I know, logically, and have been taught for years. But applying it and realizing that "Hey, we ARE one body of believers, despite our differences" is another kettle of fish. And it's also cool to reiterate how God cleanses each of us!
Cleansed, holy, made right. I think it's something we all long for, in some way or another. Even, I think, the most non religious, non spiritual person out there longs to be made right in some way, shape, or form. Perhaps not in the way that a Christian longs, but I think it's a longing within all of us. We long for things to be "right". I know, for me, I long for things to be right: I long to have a family instead of fending for myself and building my own out of friends. I long to not have to poor over ever food label making sure there's not something in it that my body will read as poison and make me incredibly ill. Of course, this isn't quite the "making right" that is being referred to here, but it helps me to put things in real word terms, so maybe it will help others. However, God will make us right in other ways. Maybe not now, and it's a continuing process, but as we call upon His precious name, he cleanses us (Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crismon stain, He washed it white as snow) and makes us new. He makes us right in His eyes, our faults and all.
And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. John 10:16 (ESV)
You know, the whole one church concept has always been hard for me to grasp. I've been around in churches. I was raised Nazarene. When my parents split, I went to a Methodist church, then an independent Baptist church, then back to Methodist with my mother, and another Nazarene church with my father. By high school, my mom was back in the Methodist church and my Father was at a Church of Christ. After my faith was completely shattered in the church due to a tragic, unfortunate experience, I pulled away from the church. I've been around the block since then with different church experiences and different sets of doctrine, and so the fact that they all intermingle together into one church in God's eyes is hard to grasp. I don't think it's bad, per se, that it's hard to grasp, but I do think what we go though in life impacts how we grasp and read the Bible. I do think it's cool, though, that despite all my struggles in the church, it's all one body, one flesh, one blood of Believers.
And so we know God's word applies to our life today, and God has a lot to say in His book...
(Author Comments)
Um, excuse my brief Veggietales moment. God loves His church, and views it is one. It's one of those things I know, logically, and have been taught for years. But applying it and realizing that "Hey, we ARE one body of believers, despite our differences" is another kettle of fish. And it's also cool to reiterate how God cleanses each of us!
25.9.11
I just want you to know who I am
I remember the first time I cried out for help from my depression. I remember the first time I held out my hand. It was 2001 and I was 14 years old. I had braces complete with rubber bands that snapped across the room when I spoke and no sense of style. Exhibit A: school picture from that year. Again, I was so young and naive to many things. I read my poetry from back then, and some of it breaks my heart even now for a much younger me. 14 is far too young to plan out a suicide. 14 is far too young to hold a razor blade in your hand, and makes imprints on tender white skin. I still have those scars. I still see them daily. I still weep for my younger self. But the first time I reached out for help, besides posting on internet message boards that I was broken, hurting, and scared, before emailing my youth pastor and telling him what an inner hell I lived in... was to write a poem, and give it to my Sunday school teacher. This is that poem:
The pain that grips my youthful heart
Rips me up, tears me apart
The tears that brim in my young eyes
Might come to you as a surprise
I cannot handle the pain
Not the tears that fall like rain
The dull, study ache that's settled deep down
The heavy burden that I carry around
But I hide the pain-I hide the tears
I hide the saddness, I hide my fears
Nobody understands, and I feel like nobody cares
And all I can do is say some simple prayers
I just don't know, I gotta get it out
I cannot take this burdern about
No one to turn to, all I can do is cry
No one who'd care if I should die
I'm about ready to use it, I don't know what to do
I guess all I can do is turn to you
I left the spelling errors intact. It didn't seem right to correct them. A month after giving this to my sunday school teacher, I had the police at my school to talk me out of suicide. My parents were blindsided. They had no idea I was so hurting, so broken. I hid it well. I learned that lesson at 14 years old: how to completely hide my pain. How to retreat within myself, how to throw up walls so high that no one could enter, not even myself. I learned how to perfect my facade, how to live within myself. To smile and laugh, and act like I was fine. But the truth is I wasn't. The truth is I was broken. I recently found this snippet of a poem from back then, and my heart broke. I wept.
Just wanna die, just wanna die
Tired of just wonderin' why
Wanna die, wanna be in my grave
Too scared and afraid to wave
Wanna be strong wanna be brave
I was 14. I hadn't lived yet. I had no idea what I would face later in my life, that I would make such painful decisions at age 18 and again at age 21. I didn't know that I would continue to spiral deeper into depression, bounce from counselor to counselor, and have labels such as PTSD and EDNOS slapped on me. That just one cut would turn into a lifelong addiction, and every day is a daily battle to not lapse back into it. I had no idea.
It's scary. I just want to go back and hold my younger self, to tell her at age 24 she'd finally be pulling herself out of all this crap. That she'd finally start approaching the other side, that there's hoping waiting for her. I was fourteen. I shouldn't have felt like this... and yet I did.
ready to smile, and love life
Here she stands today, in her brilliant shining way
Stronger than her pain, in her brilliant shining way
><> ><> <>< ><>
I know what it's like to have crippling depression.
I know what it's like to be consumed with hopeless.
I know what it's like to be drenched in pain, both physical and emotional.
And for the first time, I'm starting to see the other side.
I'm starting to reach out of the abyss.
I'm starting to spread my wings and leap -
leap into hope, leap into the future,
leap into a new life.
I'm a dreamer, a starry-eyed girl, passionate
I love and I live and I laugh and I learn
And I'm more than my disabilites.
I'm more than a list of medications,
a ball of symtoms,
and rattled off disorders.
I am more than an abused child,
rather, I am survivor.
I am more than a victim,
I am an overcomer.
I am more than a child with questions -
Questions about faith and life and love
and God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit
and creation and forgiveness and
sin and the past and the present and
the future
but rather, I am a seeker
Trying to place the pieces of the puzzle together,
trying to finish the row of Tetris.
I am learning to live...
and it's a beautiful ride.
24.9.11
this robe of flesh, i'll drop and rise to seize the everlasting prize
"He forgives daily and richly all sins to me and all believers, and at the last day will raise up me and all the dead, and will give to me and to all believers in Christ everlasting life." (SC)
He forgives daily. All sins. To me, this is baffling (not in a "I don't quite understand it" way, but more in a "say what?!" way). I struggle to forgive. I don't hold grunges easily and for the most part, but there are some things that happened to me when I was little that I still haven't forgiven people for. And to myself, I am the hardest critic. I remember one time, crying to a friend, about how God could not possibly forgive me for what I'd done. All I remember is this friend saying "Angelique, who are you to deem what God can and cannot forgive?" And I think that is how I started wrestling with the concept of forgiveness. Quoting myself feels weird, but I look at a poem I wrote in 2010 which has this line: (he has scars just like ours) [maybe some day I'll post that poem on this blog because it really shows a great deal of my faith struggles]. But he has scars, too. And those scars are the reason he can forgive, whereas mine are the reason I need forgiveness.
God forgives daily. He forgives not only me, but all believers. The believers that, in the past, have hurt me and I struggled to forgive. And in turn, He forgives me for not forgiving. And finally, on the last day he will raise up from the dead and will give to all in Christ, everlasting life. What struck me was the realization: we won't need forgiving anymore on that day. He is forgiving us daily until then, molding us until we are in the state where we will no longer need it.
No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
"But of Christ we could know nothing either, unless it had been revealed by the Holy Ghost. " (LC, number 65).
We know nothing, unless it's revealed. Allow me to repeat that: we know nothing unless it's revealed. We may think we're great theologians, we may think we're great Biblical scholars. But the thing is? We really, in reality, know nothing unless it's revealed. I struggle with this because I'm the kind of person who has to KNOW things before I do anything. But the thing is, the Christian faith isn't like that. You can't really know before you take the plunge, you just have to take the dive in and trust that God will be the life jacket to keep you afloat. You just have to go with what you do already know, and have faith and confidence in Christ that He will, in His divine timing, continue to reveal things to you to enrich your faith and deepen your trust in Him and Him alone.
Author comments:
Forgiveness is a strange concept. To think that what we have done can be washed away by the Almighty. That he can forgive, and continues to forgive. And that he, in his wisdom, chooses to forgive AND reveal to us.
Pretty cool!
He forgives daily. All sins. To me, this is baffling (not in a "I don't quite understand it" way, but more in a "say what?!" way). I struggle to forgive. I don't hold grunges easily and for the most part, but there are some things that happened to me when I was little that I still haven't forgiven people for. And to myself, I am the hardest critic. I remember one time, crying to a friend, about how God could not possibly forgive me for what I'd done. All I remember is this friend saying "Angelique, who are you to deem what God can and cannot forgive?" And I think that is how I started wrestling with the concept of forgiveness. Quoting myself feels weird, but I look at a poem I wrote in 2010 which has this line: (he has scars just like ours) [maybe some day I'll post that poem on this blog because it really shows a great deal of my faith struggles]. But he has scars, too. And those scars are the reason he can forgive, whereas mine are the reason I need forgiveness.
God forgives daily. He forgives not only me, but all believers. The believers that, in the past, have hurt me and I struggled to forgive. And in turn, He forgives me for not forgiving. And finally, on the last day he will raise up from the dead and will give to all in Christ, everlasting life. What struck me was the realization: we won't need forgiving anymore on that day. He is forgiving us daily until then, molding us until we are in the state where we will no longer need it.
No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
"But of Christ we could know nothing either, unless it had been revealed by the Holy Ghost. " (LC, number 65).
We know nothing, unless it's revealed. Allow me to repeat that: we know nothing unless it's revealed. We may think we're great theologians, we may think we're great Biblical scholars. But the thing is? We really, in reality, know nothing unless it's revealed. I struggle with this because I'm the kind of person who has to KNOW things before I do anything. But the thing is, the Christian faith isn't like that. You can't really know before you take the plunge, you just have to take the dive in and trust that God will be the life jacket to keep you afloat. You just have to go with what you do already know, and have faith and confidence in Christ that He will, in His divine timing, continue to reveal things to you to enrich your faith and deepen your trust in Him and Him alone.
Author comments:
Forgiveness is a strange concept. To think that what we have done can be washed away by the Almighty. That he can forgive, and continues to forgive. And that he, in his wisdom, chooses to forgive AND reveal to us.
Pretty cool!
22.9.11
now it's time to say good night...
'Kay, so it's 3:24 am. My alarm goes off at 5:45 am. Logic says I should be asleep. But I'm not. I'm sick - I'm coughing up a lung. I'm in pain - good thing the alarm goes off so I can go to the pain clinic.
But the main reason I avoid sleep lately? It's so I avoid the nightmares. The crippling tiredness is the less painful thing to deal with. If I'm awake, at least I can distract myself from such painful thoughts.
If I'm asleep, there's no solace. No comfort. No serenity.
And it sucks.
This was not very deep. I want to write more - oh, how I long to write. How I long to process my thoughts, get others thoughts on my thoughts (I'm not vain and think my thoughts are profound and amazing, but I like to get thoughts on my thoughts) and all that. But right now I'm on cruise control - just surfing through life the best I can. And it kinda sucks, it really does. Because there's so much going on that needs to come out... but I don't know how to PULL it out!
But the main reason I avoid sleep lately? It's so I avoid the nightmares. The crippling tiredness is the less painful thing to deal with. If I'm awake, at least I can distract myself from such painful thoughts.
If I'm asleep, there's no solace. No comfort. No serenity.
And it sucks.
This was not very deep. I want to write more - oh, how I long to write. How I long to process my thoughts, get others thoughts on my thoughts (I'm not vain and think my thoughts are profound and amazing, but I like to get thoughts on my thoughts) and all that. But right now I'm on cruise control - just surfing through life the best I can. And it kinda sucks, it really does. Because there's so much going on that needs to come out... but I don't know how to PULL it out!
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