god help the outcasts

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to You
Still I seek Your face and wonder
Weren't you once an outcast too?

I'm struggling. I feel like an outcast - such an outcast. I don't fit the cookie cutter mold I feel it cut out for Christians. I'm "rough around the edges", sarcastic, and cynical. I don't know what exactly I believe about God, and I don't even know why I'm going into ministry. Maybe it's because I want to right the wrongs. Maybe it's because I want to prove to people you don't have to be perfect to be a Christian.

But Lord, I feel like an outcast. A crippled, limping, orphaned outcast. And the thing is?

I ask for nothing, I can get by
But I know so many less lucky than I

I have no reason to whine. No reason to complain.
So many more have it worse. I just want to help people.
To make a difference.
To help people not harbor bitterness like I have, because it's an awful way to live.

now it's time to say good night...

'Kay, so it's 3:24 am. My alarm goes off at 5:45 am. Logic says I should be asleep. But I'm not. I'm sick - I'm coughing up a lung. I'm in pain - good thing the alarm goes off so I can go to the pain clinic.

But the main reason I avoid sleep lately? It's so I avoid the nightmares. The crippling tiredness is the less painful thing to deal with. If I'm awake, at least I can distract myself from such painful thoughts.

If I'm asleep, there's no solace. No comfort. No serenity.

And it sucks.

This was not very deep. I want to write more - oh, how I long to write. How I long to process my thoughts, get others thoughts on my thoughts (I'm not vain and think my thoughts are profound and amazing, but I like to get thoughts on my thoughts) and all that. But right now I'm on cruise control - just surfing through life the best I can. And it kinda sucks, it really does. Because there's so much going on that needs to come out... but I don't know how to PULL it out!