Through despair and hope, through faith and love

Seven years ago, everything was changing. Little did I know that just over a month later, everything would further spiral out of control. Me, the control freak that I am, would be left utterly helpless and shattered. How was I to know that age 18, soon everything I knew would change? How was I to know at 18, everything was going to be different soon? How was I to know that I would soon sink into utter despair, and not know when I would find hope again?

September 28, 2005 was the day I totally melted down from stress in the middle of my College Prep World History class. I remember just bursting into tears during a study period, and my teacher trying to console me. But me, being the stubborn person I am, threw up my walls and refused to let him in. Idiotic move there, Ang. Soon things would change so much. But I wonder how different it would have been had I opened up to the teacher then. But I was scared to death. I was only 18 and while legally an adult, if I told the other people at school what was going on, legal systems would be involved. Kind of funny how just over a month later, my faith in the legal system was shattered as well. Kind of funny how my faith in the church and the legal system both took a suckerpunch, and I still haven't regained faith in the legal system.

I guess it's kind of funny now that I'm going into the ministry. It's kind of my ultimate "screw you, bitches!" to the people who hurt me in the church. It's the proverbial middle finger to those who told me I'd never amount to anything, I'd never graduate college. Because you know what? I'm going to make a difference. My story of despair was not for naught, and I can turn it into hope. If I can make a difference in just one life, I will have had an effective ministry. If I can help just one teenager, just one child, if I can protect the child that others failed to protect, my work is complete.

I want to help the ones who slip through the cracks. The ones who fall to the wayside. It doesn't matter if no one else loves them, I want to love them. To turn despair into hope, and to administer faith and love. To be someone they can trust, and not someone who will shatter everything when one of the darkest secrets come to life.

And that is my dream. One of them. The other is to work in a summer camp for disabled children, but that's another post. Another day. Another night.

It's bedtime. Alarm goes off too early, but it's another little sleep night. Been too many of those lately, but not much I can do about it at the moment.

Someone's waiting to love you

To all the unloved;

One day, you will be loved. One day, you will break free of the vicious cycle of abuse. One day, you will find hope, peace, comfort, and joy again. You may scorn now. You may feel like no one could ever love you. If the people who created you can't love you, how could anyone? If your boyfriend beats you, why would you deserve any better? You may scoff and feel like you'll never truly be loved.

I've been there. I know what it's like to cry myself to sleep, feeling lost and unloved. I know what it's like to be alone in the world, to have no one but yourself to look out for you. I know what it's like. I'm no stranger to abuse.

But I also know there's another side. I know that there's another way. And you don't have to be here forever. There are people who want to love you, if you just let them. There are people who want to help you. And if your abuse is "just" emotional? Emotional abuse hurts too. There is never any "just" for abuse. Here is a PSA I did on emotional abuse last fall for a class.

If you are a teenager and a victim of child abuse, please get help. It doesn't matter if it's happening now or if it happened in the past, if you're still feeling unloved and in danger, seek help. Check out childhelp.org . If you are being abused by the ones that claim to love you, young or old, check out thehotline.org

You don't have to live this way forever. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to deserve it. And one day, you will find someone that is waiting to love you.