I learned it bywatching you.

Tim Hawkins summed up this song with "My son got mad 'cause I worked all the time, he grew up to me a jerk just like me. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, and some other poetic stuff."

John Mayer sang "Fathers, be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do." A powerful PSA from 1980's is "I Learned It By Watching You"



The thing is, children learn from their parents, if they want to admit it or not. Ultimately, in the end, we have the choice to act on what we learned and what we were taught, but it doesn't mean that it lessens the imprint on us.

There was never a time my father was without a bear can in one hand. His breath always smelled like beer, usually Milwaukee's Best. He'd sit in front of the computer, with his bag of potato chips and his beer can, watching the telly.

I learned so much from watching him. I learned how to be a good girl. I learned how to act on and to lead people on into thinking everything is fine. I learned how to play the game that makes people think that life is fine and I learned how to throw up walls. I won't even go into what I learned from my mother.

And then it scares me -
what will I teach my children?

god help the outcasts

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to You
Still I seek Your face and wonder
Weren't you once an outcast too?

I'm struggling. I feel like an outcast - such an outcast. I don't fit the cookie cutter mold I feel it cut out for Christians. I'm "rough around the edges", sarcastic, and cynical. I don't know what exactly I believe about God, and I don't even know why I'm going into ministry. Maybe it's because I want to right the wrongs. Maybe it's because I want to prove to people you don't have to be perfect to be a Christian.

But Lord, I feel like an outcast. A crippled, limping, orphaned outcast. And the thing is?

I ask for nothing, I can get by
But I know so many less lucky than I

I have no reason to whine. No reason to complain.
So many more have it worse. I just want to help people.
To make a difference.
To help people not harbor bitterness like I have, because it's an awful way to live.

she still sleeps with the light on

"She fools all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with the light on,
and she acts like it's alright on,
as she smiles again...

and he cries but you rarely see him do it
and he loves but he's scared to use it
and he hides behind the music
'cause he likes it that way."

I sometimes wonder about myself. I've gotten so good at putting up walls (I'm reminded of the song "some walls" here.. "But if there's any hope for love at all, some walls must fall).

I've perfected the act of putting up walls. I've perfected the act of acting like I'm fine - smile on face, while inside my heart is breaking. True, the one closest to me generally see through it, but it scares me how GOOD I am at it. I've fooled therapists, doctors, friends, all into thinking I'm fine, even myself at times.

Why do I do this?
It doesn't help anyone.
Not me, not them, not you, not me.

But yet, it's what's comfortable. It's what's safe. It's what I've done for years. It's where I fit - safe inside walls that keep the real me hidden. For I'm afraid if I'm open about my past, people will judge me. Logical Psychology Major Nora says "You stupidface, you'd never tell a client that stuff is their fault. How are you any different?"

But Hurting, Scared Nora says "Of course it's different for you. You were there. You know what happened. You know if you acted different, this wouldn't have happened."

Logical Psychology Nora says "You had no control. People want to know what your childhood was like, not just the glorified version, not just the good parts you tell."
Hurting, Scared Nora cowers at the thought.

And yet, if I had a client who was like me, I'd urge them to be open with their friends, their therapist, the ones they are close to. But since it's myself I'm dealing with... everything is totally different. It doesn't matter, because Hurting, Scared Nora always wins over Psychology Nora.

Really need to work on changing that... but how do you tear down walls that took all those years to build up?