Rather Serious

I feel weird posting a serious blog entry after two very lighthearted ones, but sometimes it's what we need to do. But Christmas is just two days away, and it's a time of pain, of sadness, of grief. Of remembering what I've lost, and what I'll never have again.

I remember it was Christmas the first time I dropped the F-bomb. My brother made my stuffed animal flip me off, and my response? "Don't F*** me!". Yeah. Mom never did find out about that car ride with Dad and J2. I remember Grandpa teasing me about this, that, and the other thing. Christmas 2005 was the last Christmas I had with him. He always made sure to look out for me. I certainly wasn't his favorite, but he always did keep an eye on me. =)

I miss fudge, buckeyes, carmeals, and peanut brittle. I miss chocolate covered raisins. I miss getting clothes in sizes way too big and putting them away for a couple, oh, years (or forever... i still haven't grown into some of my Christmas presents from years ago!). I miss so much, and I feel like so much was robbed.

But I also miss Christmas Eve with my father. Sure, the guy is an asshat buttface, but Christmas was the one time we got along. It was the one time of year we'd buy a shrimp ring and eat it. And watch cheesy Christmas movies. And it was GREAT. Just GREAT.

But above all, I miss candlight Christmas eve services. I miss holding the candle, and getting burned by the wax. I miss my soprano voice singing the words to the Christmas hymn: "All is calm, all is bright."

Because here I am. Away from my family. I won't see them this year. I likely won't see them ever again. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. I'm emotionally orphaned, even if my parents are still physically alive. I don't see them, and it hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts. How can I sing "All is calm, all is bright" when there's a darkness, the darkness that having an absent family leaves, is rampant in my soul? How can I sing about "peace on Earth, good will to men" when I can't find peace in my own heart?

It's Christmas. Not a time for angst. And I do my best to roll with the punches, and be as joyful as I can (for joy and happiness are two different things, but that's another serious, way down the road blog entry). But for now... I think this Christmas hymn sums up my feelings this year quite well. No wonder it's long been a favorite.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Emmanuel. He's the one who will ransom my cold, empty heart this year. He's the one who will restore hope. And as He comes, as an innocent child, he, too, will bring light into my world again.