is is true what i heard about the son of god? did he die for us did he die at all?

In a recent Facebook post, I posted the video Instead Of A Show by Jon Foreman, and a discussion came out about my recent ventures towards leaning agnostic. I suppose that it may be easier to write a full out blog post and explain things. I feel that some people may think this is a recent venture. It most assuredly is not. I feel judged for holding these views, for it's not what's expected of me. It's not what people want to hear, and it's not happy and candy coated. It's raw pain, raw anguish, and raw emotions.

To give a little background, I was raised in an Armenian church. Now, I don't think a Calvinist is right/Armenianism is right is legit in this post, and I may very well explore that later. For now, I think knowing that I was raised in that type of church (and very conservative at that), is likely somewhat relevant to where I am now.

I attend a very Conservative Christian college with a strong Bible requirement. I feel that it is, in many ways, filled with cookie cutter Christians, ones fit neatly inside a box and anyone who doesn't fit that mold is up the creak without a paddle. Even when I was a hardcore Christian, I felt judged because I don't fit the standard molds. My views weren't traditional, and were even likely unorthodox in many ways.

Here I am, at the brink of a college transfer. And here I am, bordering on agnosticism. I believe that there is something out there, some light or force that is greater than you or I. But I also don't know that that source is. I don't know if it's a divine omni-everything God. I don't know if it's a God who sent his Son to die for our sins. I don't know what I belief, and I think that's what scares me the most. After all, I was dedicated as an infant and baptize by immersion at age 14. I've never not known Christianity.

And so here I am, standing in my struggles. I feel like I've failed as a person sometimes, because I can no longer just belief. I need logic, facts, concrete proof. Being very "rough around the edges" has made me callous towards childlike belief and innocent faith, because I don't understand how you can just had it. When all the crap hits the fan, and you've been TOLD all your life that there's a God out there who wants to fix your problems and you see him not fixing it, what are you left thinking? Believing? That you've done Faith wrong? That God doesn't really care for you?

It's a complex cycle, and I don't know how to break out of it or decide on what I believe. Because I just don't know.

2 replies ^_^:

The Girl with a Dream said...

I understand and commend you. These are massively hard questions to wrestle with. I know cause I've wrestled too. I encourage you to keep walking and explore this place of uncertainty, it can turn out pretty cool. =P
Everything isn't always okay... and that's okay. But everyone has to journey for themselves to find out that truth.
Btw... Cookie cutter is WAY overrated... I dislike those people too.

Steph said...

It's funny (not ha-ha funny, funny in an ironic way) that I met you when I did. It's like we're on opposite sides of a line right now; you're on the brink of coming to agnosticism, and I'm trying to come to belief.

I feel the exact same way, about needing concrete evidence to know something exists. But I've always believed a higher power exists, and for about 8 years, agnosticism was enough for me. I just accepted there's something out there that is completely beyond human understanding that makes this universe function so harmoniously.

But, I'm finding that I'm not satisfied with calling my beliefs agnostic anymore. They're something else now, but I'm not sure what. What I do know is I'm at a point where I want to try to understand the entity others believe in without question. If I come to belief in the end, then so be it, but I want to get there on my own terms. I'm extending an olive branch to God, as it were, until I can figure things out.

And if there is anything I've learned on this journey, it's that you HAVE to reach belief on your own terms. You can't let others push you one way or another, or make you feel like less of a person. Struggling is not wrong. You're human. We all struggle. And, I haven't read much of the Bible, but I've heard that God is the one who gets to judge, and not people. So don't listen to the idiots who just keep telling you to believe harder. You can't. It's not possible to believe harder if you don't know what you're trying to believe in anymore. It's a very personal journey, and what you're going through requires guidance and self-discovery, not force or ridicule. I think the whole point of journeys like these is that we try to get somewhere comfortable, even if we don't know where we're actually going.

I've probably written way more than acceptable commenting length, so I will end by saying if you ever want to talk to someone who is also struggling with this stuff, let me know. Perhaps we can find peace together. :)

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