A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains

I sometimes feel like a failure as a ministry major. Here I am, studying to into the ministry but I can't even keep my own act together. Here I am, 25 years old, but still struggling to do my homework. Here I am, trying to make a difference in the world at large, but I can't even make a difference in my personal world.

I feel like because I don't fit the cookie-cutter Christian mold, that I'm not meant to be in the ministry. My view on gay marriage don't line up with many Christians and my views on abortion are controversial. I'd rather not get into those here and now, though.

I have an eating disorder. I struggle with self-injury. I don't speak to my Dad and still can't grasp the concept of God as Father, God as Abba. I feel like I've failed as a Christian, like I've failed as a person because I don't match up. What on Earth can God do with a disabled ministry major who is several shades of screwed up?

I feel like all I do is fail. I feel like I try to recover, and I fall back into darkness. I feel like I have words trapped inside me that I don't know how to pull out. I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of despair. And what will happen once I finally earn my diploma? What will happen when I finally graduate? Will I be able to hold a job... or will I be destined to be a never-quite-good-enough Failure?

God, please let your grace be enough. Let your love be enough. Let me be enough.

And after all you've done for me
And it's by grace and love I am saved
And it's by grace and love You've forgiven me
And it's by grace and love I am free

0 replies ^_^:

Post a Comment