I'm in too deep, there's no way out, this time I have really led myself astray

I am crippled with depression lately. At least I'm doing my homework which I suppose is something, but I'm not doing it well. I'm not doing it as I should. I'm not hanging out with people. I'm escaping into a world of books and video games, music and movies. I'm isolating into my own world, locking out the people who love and care for me. Throwing up walls, living inside the castle I've built myself and not letting down the drawbridge to let someone in.

I saw my therapist today (yesterday, now). I locked down and completely shut him out. Stupid and foolish, I know, but right now I'm fragile. I'm too afraid to let anyone in, even the people I know that could help. Even the ones I know that could make a difference. Because I simply want to lock out the world. I simply want to exist in my shell. I simply want to exist as I am - a fragment of what life truly is.

Easy answer is fixing my antidepressant situation, but that's a nightmare right now. It's hard finding a doctor who's taking new patients. Who I can click with and trust as that is so key with a shrink. It's what's important, but right now I just need my medications fixed so I can be me again, not quasi-me. I'm not sleeping a lot - largely due to being sick but when I do sleep, I lapse into nightmares. I relive the trauma that living once was enough.

I feel like I'm losing hope, and that I'm drowning in a sea of failure. I feel like I've lost a battle in a war I'm fighting, and I'm going to continue to spiral downwards. I'm so sick of this. I'm so tired of being like this. It's not the way I want to be, dang it. It's not the way my life was meant to be lived, but yet it's the way I live.

We were meant to live for so much more,
have we lost ourselves?

I'm trapped. I'm doing my best to keep up the facade, to only let people see bits and pieces of how bad things really are. Of only showing bits and pieces of how frozen my heart is at the moment, and the thaw is nowhere near. That I don't know how to start the process of melting and in some ways, I just don't even know if I want to. It sounds twisted, but depression is what I'm used to. It's what I know. It's whats familiar  And I don't like change.

And so instead, I live in misery. Which really isn't a good idea, either.

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