and her dreams give her wings

I dream big. I'm a daydreamer by nature, but I also dream big for my future. I have big dreams, big hopes, big PLANS. I have goals, desires, dreams, hopes, wants, plans! I have a life ahead of me, I'm only 24 years old! But at the same time, I have so much fighting against my and I don't know if I'll ever amount.

Will my chronic pain take over my life?
Will I ever find a guy who will accept my disabilities?
Will I ever graduate college?
Will I ever recover from depression?
Will I ever amount to anything?

There are no words for how much it sucks to be my age, and have your medical future up in the air. I find out much of my fate on the 27th and as much as I want that day to come, in the same way I don't.

I want a child. I want to raise a little child, into being a functioning member of society. Sometimes I feel like I don't want kids, sometimes I do. I waver. But I'll never medically be able to have my own. I know, I know, there's adoption, but it's not the same. It's not. But knowing that number 1, pregenacy would take a toll on my body an number 2, I'd pass on my illness to a child I'd never forgive myself for giving a child this pain.

Will I ever be able to get a job? Will I be healthy enough for a job?

Why am I, at 24, having to make these decisions and fight these battles?
It's not fair.