Independence Day

10 days until the most difficult anniversary of my life.
10 days until the day my life completely fell apart.
10 days until the day that I realized I was no longer a child, and had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life.
10 days until it marks 6 years since I left him.

It's haunting, really. To think that I suffered 18 years at his hand, and even more through emails later on. It's haunting to think that at 18, I had to make such a painful choice, to tear away from my own father. Part of me screams it was 6 years ago, you should be OVER it by now! It's been SIX YEARS. SIX YEARS. But I'm not.

I miss him. God, I miss him. I don't miss the abuse (well, not really, but that's complicated) but I miss having a father. I miss having a Daddy. Sure, he was a buttwaffle, but he was still my Daddy, and yes, I still love him. I'll never understand how I can hate someone so deeply, yet love him so passionately. It's such a mindfuck and the emotions are so twisted, so complicated.

I'm scared. I'm completely scared. I still live in fear of him, even though it's been six years. He got off scott free, so I shouldn't still be so terrified. But I am. And lord, I miss having a father. It's been six years, six long, painful years. And I don't know what to do with it. It's hard to believe, but in some ways it still feels like it was just yesterday I made such a painful, difficult decision.

This is something I wrote just a few weeks after my entire world crumbled at my feet:


SOMETIMES - written November 17, 2005
We can't control what's going on around us. The world literally crumbles in pieces at our feet. Try as we might, we can't make sense of the shreads. We try, we hope, we beg, we plead, and yet, we're just left with brokenness. We're just left with shattered fragments. Hope seems just out of reach. You reach for it, you long to just hold it, and draw it close. And yet, you're just broke. You've reached brokeness. You long for comfort, you look for comfort. You long to be free, you just long to break free of the past. Everything you once held on to, seems to literally shatter at your feet. You just want something to cling to. Some stable ground. Some "strong tower". And yet, you can't find it. You're stuck. Grasping at straws. Reaching for starbeams, and yet falling short. And just longing for happiness. For hope. And yet, you come up blank. You're dark, you're bleak, you're hopeless. You know there's hope somewhere, you know there's light somewhere. It's just so hard to grasp it, and to keep a hold of it. You wonder what it's worth living for. You're tired of being sick, tired, worn out, scared, stressed, weary, and just beat all the time. You just want an answer. Something better. And you just want a happy ending. You just want a better life, a better time. And it's hard. It's so cold, it's so broken...so worn out."

Six years later, it still rings true. Six years later, I'm still looking for all those things.

Suffice is to say my depression is raging now. Suffice it to say things aren't going well. They never go well this time of year, but right now it seems to be particularly difficult. Doesn't help that I don't want to let people in. I've worked for years to throw up these walls, I've worked for years to hide inside myself. And even though I could take them down, brick by brick, step by step, minute by minute, it's terrifying.

Even though it's a bad place where I am currently, even though it's not a good thing, it's what I know and what's safe. It's scary reaching out beyond what I know.

And so, when Halloween rolls around, while other people are trick or treating, celebrate beasts and ghouls, I'll be mourning what I lost six years ago. And at the same time, stepping forward for another year of Independence.

I hate it.