It's been a long time coming, but a change is going to come

Things are going to be different this fall. That's neither here nor there, good or bad. I'm one of those people who thrives on things being the same. I like my routine and I don't like it being changed. I like things being the way they are, the way they've been, and leaving well enough alone. I was given the choice today by my doctor to change one of my medications, and my answer was to "leave well enough alone." It's kind of funny how that's my answer to everything. Leave well enough alone. But that doesn't change the fact a change is in the air, a change is on the way.

Sure, a new semester is going to start. I still have to mail my Perkins loan and MetroTransit paperwork this weekend. I'll be commuting instead of just walking across campus. Two days a week I don't have class until noon, but those times will be filled with other appointments I'm sure. But there's other changes on the horizon, not just new classes, new schedule, new professor. new book, new laptop, new cell phone, you get the gist.

I've been seeing the same psychiatrist at The Emily Program since I started services there in March 2011. I've been seeing the same therapist there since about the same time too, even stayed with him when he left the clinic. I stayed with TEP for my psychiatrist and my nutritionist. However, Nice Psych Dude recently left the clinic. I was given about two weeks notice. Nora, She Who Likes Things Not To Change, was not a Happy Pikachu:

Or a MLP, as the case may be
I LIKE Doctor Dude. He was nice, understanding, etc. Understood the way my strange little mind works, didn't push me too hard but pushed me enough when I needed it. Well, he left. And I have been Psych-Doctorless.

Today I saw pain management. I got more medication, told I clinch my jaw and grind my teeth and should see a dentist to look into being fitted for a bite guard (EEP!!!). But then she started asking about the psych stuff and it all came out. See, she told me I look good: the healthiest and the happiest I've looked in a long time. But she's not stupid and she could kinda see through my act. I guess my facade isn't always a good as I'd like to think it is. She suggested that I look into switching to the other major eating disorder clinic in the Cities. 

I would keep my therapist. Of course. It would be highly damaging to me to lose him right now. Even though I haven't seen him in three weeks, and that's a Very Bad Thing. Not really my fault the way I've seen him, but still not the best life choice I've ever made.

I don't see my dietican often at TEP. I don't have a psych there anymore. Pain Doctor seems to think they can help me more at Melrose. But at the same time... all the intake stuff again is scary. Starting over is scary. Change again is scary. 

I just want things to stay the way they are. The way I know them to be. I don't want change... even if it's for the best.

1 replies ^_^:

Steph said...

Change scares the shit out of me. No joke. But without change, we get nowhere in life. I'm terrified of applying for a job, because I'm worried I won't find anything, or that I won't get one because I'll screw up at the interview. But what is motivating me to look for one anyway is that I'm sick of living at home. I want to get a car, move out, and start my future. It's always that first step towards change that makes everything a billion times scarier. But after that first step, the second step comes more easily, and the third even more easily, and so on. If you're tired of being stuck in one place, take that first step! It's okay to be scared! But the reward is worth everything you can ever hope for.

Post a Comment