No dark sarcasm in the classroom

The new semester starts a week from Thursday. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. Part of me feels like I should be more excited than I am - I'm in the home stretch of finishing my degree and so I should be happy, satisfied, content, right? I should be pumped for all these classes. But I'm not. It's almost like it's my first day of kindergarten and I'm terrified of the big kids on the bus (okay, so I was homeschooled in kindergarten, but the imagery stands). I have a good courseload and good professors, but the thought of a new semester terrifies me. Packing lunch, commuting, learning the bus route, juggling doctor's appointments and school, juggling health, learning when not to be stubborn and stay home from class (I'm the girl who went to class with a high fever that should have had my bum in the doctor's office). It's such a balance, and while I'm looking at classes starting with so many other changes... it's scary. What if I change to the other clinic? What will happen then? I'm assured they work with college students a lot and will work with my schedule but still... so many changes.

The thing about being a ministry major is I'm forced to be vulnerable. It's one thing to be vulnerable in a blog, but in class? In person? With people? My gosh, it's terrifying! I like hiding - it's safe. I suppose that's one reason I lock down - even in therapy when certain subjects come up. While I want recovery, while it's something I crave, it's something I yearn for, it's something I've ever known. And the fear of the unknown terrifies me. And so while what I'm in now may not be IDEAL, it's all I've known and it's what's safe and comfortable. Nevermind that it's what in reality is destroying me.  Nevermind that it's not what's for the base - sometimes I choose safety over sanity, which is not in reality wise.

And I wonder - why do I sometimes choose the path of destruction, the path that isn't for the best, just because it's what I know? Do I fear change so badly that I cling to what I know, even though it's entirely a bad idea? Do I long for what is not good in a twisted way, even though I really want what is good, to recover, to get better?

With a new semester comes so many new things. New textbooks, new classes, new schedule, new routine, new professors, new friends. But yet at the same time... there's so much new at once that I just want something old to cling to. Old friends, old lifestyles, old... well, everything. I don't want everything to change. I just want things to be how I know them.

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