and friends are friends... when?

I've come to a realization at Concordia. I've been there a year now, and I am friendless. I have people who are my Facebook friend and I have people who say hi to me and people who are in most of my classes. But I don't truly have any friends. I wonder if I even know how to make friends anymore. And I wonder what I've done so wrong to be friendless after over a year at a school.

I've always been told I'm bright, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm compassionate, I have all these things going for me.  But yet I'm sarcastic and cynical, I'm bitter and callous. Is this why I don't yet have a friend? Is it because I'm a church work student who holds very controversial views? Just because I didn't vote for Romney and I'm in favour of gay rights, doesn't mean that I'm not a true Christian. Just because I'm more liberal than most doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me.

On the whole, I'm happier at Concordia. I have better professors, better support services, better classes, no mandatory chapel. But I still long for friends- true friends. But my crippling shyness, my social awkwardness, my depression is holding me back from making them. I can't expect people to come to me but I don't know how to reach out and make friends - the kind that put up with my very ADD brain, the kind that love video games, the kind that actually WANT to get to know me. Maybe I come across as standoffish due to my social issues, who knows.

But I feel lonely. I feel like I live in my own world. And I feel like a failure as a CSP student, a failure as a person. I feel that the vast majority of my friends are online and not in the twin cities, and it's terribly lonely. I don't have community, I don't have people who are my friends at my school. AND IT SUCKS. And the worst part is, I don't know how to fix it.

I wonder if maybe I'm missing the making friend gene. And if this is a foreshadowing of my life. If I'll always be this terribly lonely. If I'll always feel this lost. if I'll always be this way...

1 replies ^_^:

Anonymous said...

So, I'm avoiding doing homework, so I decided to come write a comment on your blog. Because I read this, and I wanted to comment, and then I forgot, and now I remembered.

I can relate so much. So so much. Especially the last two paragraphs. I actually really don't know what to say beyond that. I kind of suck with words tonight.

But I do know this: you are not a failure as a person, even if you feel like one sometimes. And you are one of my best friends, and I am so glad we are roommates. *hugs*

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