wake me up when september ends.

I sometimes find myself wishing that life had turned out differently for me. I know, I know, it's useless to dwell on things I cannot change. But how different would things be if I could see better? If I wasn't dysgraphic? If I could walk normally? If I didn't have NF? If I didn't have PTSD?

How different would things be? In some ways, all these things have given me a great appreciation for life. But at the same time, it hurts and it's raw and it's painful. I just want to be normal.

Oh, I have my moments of normal where I play on the playground like a little kid, where I play Pokemon and Zelda, where I watch cheesy movies. But at the same time, I feel very broken, very incomplete.

This isn't a new struggle, it's ongoing for the past 10+ years. It doesn't help that each year my medical list seems to grow more and more. I'm tired of it, already. I'm tired of my vision deteriorating. I'm tired of my mobility getting worse. I'm just sick of it, okay?!

But there isn't an answer. There isn't an answer to why I was chosen for this path, or why this path chose me. There isn't an answer to some of my faith questions, some of my faith struggles, some of my pain and heartbreak.

August-November is a weird time for it. It was August, 2006 (5 years ago now, wow) that my grandfather died. It was October, 2005 (6 years ago), that I gained my independence day (that's another blog entry, though). It was November of last year that my grandmother died. September is always a living hell, between my health going to crap, getting settled into the swing of school, et al. But it was in September of 2005 that I knew what I had to do with my father. Little did I know it would turn into the most painful and difficult decision of my life. Little did I know that one decision would shatter my faith in the church, ruin friendships, and completely break my heart. I think The Fray said it well:
"We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

There's so much. So much packed into this season of late summer/early fall, that just brings pain and heartache. And then, once again, the fall turns into autumn. And the outside mirrors my heart: cold, frozen, and waiting for the Spring thaw that seems like it will never come.

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