wrong way on a one way track

Living with depression fricking sucks.I've found myself trapped lately. Completely trapped. And I don't know the way out. It's like I'm lost, and there's no signs telling me which way to go. It's like I'm sinking in quicksand and although I hold out my hand for help and I fight and I fight to break free, I still find myself sinking. I'm so good at the charade, so good at the facades. I find myself even almost convincing myself that I'm fine because I'm so used to convincing the world that I'm fine, and frankly it's terrifying. It almost feels like I'm drowning. Like I'm trapped. There's no way out of this because I'm just going to fall again, so why bother coming out?

I find myself wondering when I'll be free from pain. When my eyes will work like they should. When my knee will quit buckling. When I'll no longer have back pain. When I'll no longer throw up because I'm in so much pain. When I'll no longer have to base my clothing choices based on how much pain I'm in and can wear what I WANT. When my body will be functional. It's a stupid thing to hope and dream for because my body will never fully heal. I'm stuck living with this broken, mangled body and it sucks.

Will I ever be free of this emotional pain? Will I quit having sensory meltdowns? Will I quit being haunted by nightmares that leave me too exhausted to function? What about the flashbacks? What about the memories? What do I do with them? Why am I forced to relive this pain, this trauma, this agony? It was bad enough that I had to live through all this once - why the hell is my mind cruel enough to make me relive this pain and grief? Wasn't once enough?

Will I ever beat this eating disorder? I hate eating. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how I have to rely on eating to live when I just want to not eat. I almost enjoy the feeling of being hungry because I know I don't deserve food. I know I can't cut at the moment, and so it's a way I can hurt myself. It's something I can control when everything else is spinning wildly out of control and I'm drowning in a downward spiral and I have no other way to control. I find myself looking in the mirror and so badly wanting to lose weight because again, if I can't control so much, I can control the number on the scale. I can shrink down. It can be something, right? It's something I can control, even if the thing I'm feebly trying to control winds up controlling me.

Nick once told me that my coping methods kind of suck. I guess was right.

I'm not fully enjoying things like I used to. I still play video games and stuff, but it's an escape these days. It's not that I enjoy it, per se, but it gives me a break from the reality of my life. It gives me an out. It's something to do. I'm not suicidal, but I find myself wishing that some days I could slip into a comatose state.  Not being alive, but not being dead. Just getting a break from this. Will death be the day I'm finally free of all this stuff, or will I somehow find freedom before then?

I have no idea why I'm posting this. I have no idea why I'm being this raw and vunerable. I'm tired and I'm worn out and I'm here in tears while writing this. People who know me know I don't cry. I'm not a crier. I actually cry so infrequently, so rarely I break down into full sobs. But now I'm going to bed. And will likely wonder tomorrow why the hell I wrote this.

But whatever. I'm broken and unmedicated for ADD, depression, anexity, and sleep. I'll have nightmares again. I won't sleep well. My alarm will go off early-ish so that I can finish working on my math and reading. Cleaning didn't get done today. More to do tomorrow, I  guess.

1 replies ^_^:

CJ Luck said...

Nora, I'm sorry to hear things are still extremely crappy for you. I do still pray that someday you will be healed in every way.

I know we aren't as close as we used to be, but I just wanted to say that if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here.

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