but she's never known pain like this

It's 3:43 am and I'm still awake due to the amount of pain I'm in. I figure that makes it as good a time as any to do a quick update on medical stuff.

I have facet joint blocks scheduled for 4/16. They wanted to do it this past Monday, but I woke up with a migraine and a fever and even missed my first class due to it. If it is not successful, the doctor will be going back in to augment the fusion.

That has me terrified. I knew from before they even scheduled the surgery this was a plausibility. NF patients are famous (there are journals and stuff about us!) for having issues with this type of surgery, but they couldn't not do the fusion. They couldn't put it off any longer. It had to be done. But somehow it's just a difficult, bitter pill to swallow knowing that my worst fears may come true and they may have to go back in.

It doesn't help that I'm still trying to figure out where I'm living this summer and fall, or how the hell I'm going to pay for it. Money doesn't grow on trees. It doesn't help that they're still trying to get the migraines and the fibro under control. It doesn't help that they're still trying to figure out the tremors, that I'm still trying to recover from an eating disorder.

It's so difficult anymore. I'm completely overwhelmed. I snapped and started crying in class on Monday (incredibly out of character - I don't even let my closest friends see my cry often) and I had a sobfest when I was released from acupuncture on Tuesday as it's not worthwhile enough to put me through it.

This health stuff is even taking a toll on my faith again. If God can heal me, why hasn't He? If God could do something, why won't He? What better purpose could possibly come out of this? What better answer could come from this? Why am I still crushed by this? Why can't I catch a break? Why am I feeling like this? Who did I piss off to live in this kind of pain?

It's 4:20. Must brush teeth and attempt sleep.
Attempt is the word.

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