Because reason says I should have died three years ago

Living with depression sucks. Plain and simple. There's no way to candy-coat, sugar-frost it. It's a neverending nightmare that I feel trapped in. I have moments of happiness, but at the same time, I feel overwhelming anguish. I try to hide it, try to convince the world I'm fine with a smile and a joke. Kind of funny how humour is a coping tool, just like being cynical and sarcastic is. We all cope in so many ways, eh?

I haven't been suicidal in a long, long time and of that, I'm glad. But at the same time, I still feel overwhelming pain. At times I want to cease to exist: not die, per se, but not exactly live either. I want to find a state where I can just be nothing. Feel nothing. See nothing. Hear nothing. Just for a break from myself. Just for a time out from life.

And I'm scared. What if I'm this way forever? What if it never changes? What is this is truly all there is?