Because I'm used to relying on intellect,
But I try to open up to what I don't know
Because reason says I should have died three years ago...
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way, no day but today
Let's be frank here: I'm not dying from AIDS. I don't know what it's like to have AIDS. I do know, however, what it's like to have a disease with no cure. There's no cure for my NF1. There's no cure for my PTSD - as best, I'll learn how to live with and manage the symptoms. And the same lies with my eating disorder - you're never fully in remission or fully healed from one. You learn how to live with and manage it. Maybe I'm wrong to believe that and it's a stumbling block. I don't know.
Which brings me to the topic of my post - eating disorders. I was diagnosed with ED-NOS about a year ago. At first, my eating disorder was about weight. I had a (freakishly low!) goal weight, that was downright dangerous with my height and frame. In some ways, I still do, even though I know it's an irrational weight. Thing is - my eating disorder is so much more than that.
It's comments I got when I was younger. It's about control. "Those who are suffering with this illness have a low self-esteem and often a tremendous need to control their surroundings and emotions" - somethingfishy. Since I'm no longer cutting, it serves as a form of self-injury. Some days, just eating a snack is a struggle. It's not a struggle I'm proud of and it's something that I know I cannot overcome alone.
It's not that I want to be this way. Sure, I have a huge stubborn streak and I fear any type of change - even good change. It's that I don't know how to be any other way. I resist the change and continue to spiral into my self-sabotage. It's hard, and it's scary, but I know that change is for the best.
I know there is a better answer out there. I know so many facts about eating disorders - that you don't have to be dangerously underweight to die or have serious health problems from one (I'm not even underweight), that it's not all about food and weight, that there is hope out there. But the thing is.... there is hope out there. I can overcome this, and one day will be able to say that I'm in recovery from my eating disorder. For each day I go on, each day I fight, each day I make the choice to even eat one bite... I'm one step closer to recovery. I'm one inch closer to overcoming this disorder. And I'm that much closer to being healthy again.
She comes home from school too early,
and closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her,
She's weak and she's tired
Of feeling like this...
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